| Mirage: (m&-'räzh) noun something illusory and unattainable
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trochee
| I suddenly became conscious | 1 |
of the fabric draping you; | 2 |
the silkworms must be jubilant | 3 |
and the textile workers proud. | 4 |
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As you pass by the glass door, | 5 |
my view, hindered | 6 |
with the acerbic words: | 7 |
"she is engaged." | 8 |
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All that is left for me now | 9 |
are prints of your fingertips, | 10 |
that I wish should never be pulverized. | 11 |
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And it is only in my delusions | 12 |
that you are all mine; | 13 |
I hope I get to reverie | 14 |
a little longer next time. | 15 |
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15 Jun 07 |
Rated 8.3 (8.5) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9
Inactive (3): 2, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
i like this. but i don't understand your reason for using "ne'er" instead of "never". can you explain it to me?
and i don't really like the semi-rhyme (i'm calling it that because i don't know what else to call it) in lines 13 and 15.
i really like the first stanza of this poem.
-inutile
— unknown
It's cack-handed to start with "I realized"
— unknown
I loved it, up until "gets hindered" in L6, and "pulverized" L11.
"Gets hindered" doesn't fit, and the word "pulverized" should never be used in poetry.
— ashley87
L2: omit "is silk", the silkworms provide the hint of the fabric.
L5: "the" glass door, reads a little smoother.
L6: "gets hindered", sounds rough eh..."is hindered"?
"my view, hindered
by the acerbic words:
"she is engaged."?
why pulverized? just want to know what you're thinking.
who's acerbic words are they? a co-workers? just wondering where i should place "you" in this poem.
This might have been a sad poem, unattainable woman/love
but you refrained from indulging in the expression of your feelings (purposefully?).
I like that it's not hopeless.
I like that you resort to delusions/reveries,
not depression in the poem.
A little more poem seems necessary to fill the gap between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. It's so... sudden?
i like your titles lately.
— jenakajoffer
Line 2 - You might want to go with 'that' the fabric, since you say "is silk." Or you could say "it's silk." To say "of the fabric - is silk" doesn't seem correct.
Do you need 'by" in line 5, can you just pass that glass door?
fingertips is one word. Is pulverized good there? How are fingerprints pulverized? They can washed away but are they smashed to bits, as pulverized implies?
Overall, I like this. I can see the action and feel you.
— Isabelle5
Thanks a lot : Inutile, unknown, ashley, Jenny and Isabelle.
Took all your suggestions and made some changes. i dunno about you guys but i like it better now.
and Jenny to answer your question it was never my intention to portray this one as sad and emotional. i found it funny when i was sitting at my desk in the office and saw this lady pass by and one of my colleague burst my bubble :(.
Isabelle: with pulverized i meant something that is caused to become dust. i think thats how i could imagined it. coz that glass door is hardly washed heh heh.
— trochee
then I interpreted correctly, just wasn't sure if you were
in fact going for "sad".
I like the changes, but I still think pulverized is weird.
"all that is left for me now
are your fingerprints;
I wish
to never smear".
It's annoying that I do that, I know, but I'm just brain-frolicking.
have a nice day.
=-)
— unknown
Is reverie a verb? I thought it was only a noun. Either way, I distressed that someone gave you a 2 on this lovely, fun poem. I never read this as sad at all, just a bit humorous and tongue-in-cheek (especially since you can't have the tongue in HER cheek!)
— Isabelle5
yea jenny that you always do .. i mean interpretation thingie.
and no... u didnt succeed in frolicking my brain =-)
thnx a lot bella. i think theres someones who keeps giving me 2s and 4s... its ok. i am not in for the rat race anymore. and i can still have her tongue in my cheek .. jus allow me to daydream a bit ..heh heh
— trochee
beautiful poem,
I like the pictures you paint.
(I just did a project on mirages, but that was the science part of it;-)
— sparrow
I like your poem ; it quite works i think and your metaphors are yours at least...
— greenmantle
thanks sparrow and greenmantle. i am glad this poem is being noticed =-)
— trochee
Trochee, would you consider a semi colon end of line 2?
— Isabelle5
sure. makes sense.
— trochee
ah kind of cool.
the title is a little dorky in my opinion, though. mmm, in line 11 you have the clashing sounds together "wish should"... it's kind of hard to pronounce the two "sh" sounds next to each other: "wiSH SHould" you know, it's just a little annoying, in my opinion.
keep writing! &thanks for the read;
steve
— steveroggenb
Wow, the more I read this, the more I love it.
It's so sad... It makes me want to just sit here and stare at it forever.
I LOVE the title though. it's perfect i think!
gah, i'm just so enveloped in this sadness I'm not sure what to say.
Great job.
— luster
thnx a lot steve... i am aware of the 'sh' sound.. i thought of saying hope instead of wish.. but i m still thinking..
and luster.. i guess that could be your first crit under your username =-)
somehow your comment seems extremely genuine and that you mean it.
thnx a lot for stopping by.
— trochee
the first stanza doesn't flow very well into the rest, but i like it. thanks for sharing :)
— Anachocolata
your poems have alot of sewing/knitting ideas
seamstress
— unknown
weaving the life fantastic, too bad this has a RIP in it.
— unknown
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