poetry critical

online poetry workshop



//on my deck at four in the morning//
unknown

if you go
 1
out that door
 2
expect it to be
 3
locked
 4
when you come back,
 5
the wife threatened
 6
last night.
 7
 
 
i've read that book
 8
already,
 9
i said
 10
with no heart in my voice
 11
and went out the door
 12
across the street
 13
to the bosnian
 14
bar.
 15
 
 
dejan spotted me
 16
three shots of
 17
tequila
 18
and went back
 19
to finger-fucking
 20
the tv
 21
clicker.
 22
 
 
how is paradise
 23
for the melancholy
 24
american?
 25
he asked.
 26
 
 
i told him
 27
a dead poet named
 28
bukowski
 29
said something
 30
like:
 31
 
 
love is war
 32
all the
 33
time.
 34
 
 
he scratched his shirt
 35
over the spot
 36
where his two ex wives
 37
put a pig valve
 38
in his heart and
 39
set the controller
 40
down.
 41
 
 
war has certain
 42
articles
 43
and protocol
 44
of decorum - -
 45
 
 
love is long false
 46
hope
 47
in the bowels of
 48
hell,
 49
 
 
he said
 50
and spotted me
 51
three more.
 52

26 Jun 07

Rated 8 (9.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (8): 5, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

please extend my condolences
to the
p
i
g
s
 — unknown

This is excellent.  No over-explanation, no over-done emotion.  You stick to the small formatting and carry the voice throughout quite well.  
 — Isabelle5

formulaic.


if you wrote songs your first cd would be your last although it would be a good initial cd.
 — unknown

This is right on. I dug this poem. One of few favorites. Not a big fan of the title though.
 — rrichards5

issabelle,
rrich,

thansk for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

justin, i think i am a fan of yours.
 — unknown

So good.  I was reminded of Bukowski before I even got to the allusion of him.  Which is  great.
 — brerrabbit

very impressive
 — unknown

thanks for reading,

justin.
 — unknown

the title doesn't sit well with me,
but I've been drinking
and I thought, perhaps, I'd like it better tomorrow
in the light of sobriety,
but your bionic spider chased me down, I killed it,
but I still issue a ten based on the fear,
and because i lose sleep over bukowski.
/end massive run on
 — amaviena

amaviena,

hello:

thanks for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

HI,
<3
 — amaviena

nice. twisted, but in such a good way. you twist my emotions, which ironically i like, as i shouldn't, should be normal, but ... well ...

very good. that's all i need to say.
 — listen

listen,

thanks for reading.

justin.
 — unknown

Absolutely excellent... like Bukowski (what little I've read of him) you capture that gruff, plain-spoken yet still wise and powerful poetry of working-class existence.
 — andyleggett

f-ing excellent. how's that for an in-depth critique?
 — SarahMichele

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