poetry critical

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big dog see
gnormal

setting: a field

big dog see big monkey
 1
right in the eyeballs
 2
 
 
furry heads turn
 3
tiny duck flies across
 4
four eyeballs
 5
 
 
roll back
 6
big monkey see big dog
 7
see big god
 8
eyeballs all
 9

19 Dec 03

Rated 8 (6.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 5, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

gnormal said "see big monkey"...cool!!
 — unknown

hmm... this is not good. I won't rate it, becuz maybe it's just me, but I didn't get it.
 — aforbing

I think there should be 1/2 increments in the rating system.

I hear Foghorn Leghorn, "Ya gotta keep yer eye on the ball, son. Eye. Ball. Eyeball. It's a joke, son. I keep pitchin' 'em, you keep duckin' 'em." aforbing, maybe you're built too low.


 — dweasel

This reminds me of a child’s story I read a while back.
 — Hmm

d'weasel, i wish you hadnt said that. now, not even i, the poet, can tune foghorn out of my head. it's ruined! bloody funny though...
i guess i should just quit with an 8.
that's what i thought it was too, before that damn rooster showed up!
 — gnormal

this is the most incredible thing i have ever read. you have encapsulated all that i have ever strived for when i write poetry, so now, i must destroy you. i love you.
 — onklcrispy

Okay... i see that everyone loves this. But i don't get it, and i feel bad about that. I usually get things. Maybe it's because it's late, or "early" would be a better word for it... and i just took some nytequill cause i have a cold and it's making me delirious. Perhaps i will go to bed, and re-read your work when i am normal again. Cause, i want to get this poem, i do.
 — Jsmiles05

Jsmiles - did you mean 'gnormal again'?
 — unknown

gnormal: if other people wrote what you write, i'd kick them. but you can get away with it since i have a poetry-crush on your style. you're becoming easier to rate in your old age, but you're still difficult to figure out. of course that means you're nigh impossible to critique...
 — jade

i dont think im deep enough to understand this. I'm so shallow...there has got to be some meaning behind this im not getting. all cause of line 8..makes me think ...something about dog, and god..like how i always say the bible is a story about a dog, the people were just dyslexic. Ah, i have no idea, but im sure you do,lol.
 — Rsage

okay... it could be one of the most unique things ive EVER read
 — meghanmidget

I don't like dogs, especially big ones
 — unknown

bonus value: authoritative interpretation!

i look at my dog
my dog looks back
it's weird that when my dog looks at me
he knows to look at my eyeball (joseph burke crwu 1988 ecmp)

we both notice the duck
flying up over there.
if you looked in our eyes
youd see us seeing duck.

my dog returns his attention to me to him
there we are.
to him i am god.
and i am because i see this scene
outside my eyeball self.

and of course,
mans best friend
but backwards

inspired by the 207 words and morgan gibson's
searching for dawn
http://www.thing.net/~grist/lnd/mgibson.htm

will you look at this!
The sparrow on the wall
watches me
watching him
watching me fly away.
 — unknown

you're stuff reminds me a lot of Gwendolyn Brooks and her poem "We Real Cool," but I don't think you're taking your poems far enough.  Why don't you experiment with some punctuation or maybe just elaborate...
 — TaylorC

line nine best
all lines best
tiny lines last
 — noodleman

big dog see big monkey. damn.
 — hank

I liked the simplistic approach - something that you'll catch in Japanese poetry and mathematics; the true nature of things and lowest common denominators. It took me a few tries to get this one into my monkey brains, though! It was hard to make the connection that "I" am the monkey. Not sure why! The reflections (we are all gods to something or someone, aren't we?) are caught when you let this one ripple down. I like it. Much.
 — ka

"inspired by the 207 words and morgan gibson's searching for dawn"
helpful, I would be challenged to understand the poem fully without this information.
 — Roz

thanks.  your comments caused me to insert the introduction which i hope is exectly the right kind of bridge.  let me know if im wrong.
i have imagined getting this cut into marble to sell to a highend outdoorsygoods store which stocks patagonia.
i dont like the 5,6,7 part, if anyone has any ideas.
 — gnormal

If your intention is to have issues, then, well done.
 — Roz

?
 — gnormal

I like to think I understand an idea before copying or doing a "take".
 — Roz

I'm stoopid.
 — Roz

no. five is visual genious. forget about seven. six would be good using present continous of turn. header is very unnecessary.
 — bettalpha

spin or some other eyeballing word instead of turn even. dunno.
 — bettalpha

thank you fixed it &beta &alpha .
i'll leave the header until somone else complains.
 — gnormal

yup betta.
 — bettalpha

"thanks.  your comments caused me to insert the introduction which i hope is exectly the right kind of bridge.  let me know if im wrong.
i have imagined getting this cut into marble to sell to a highend outdoorsygoods store which stocks patagonia.
i dont like the 5,6,7 part, if anyone has any ideas."

Why should I care?  I read this to a couple of friends, they couldn't see the connection either.
 — Roz

don't think you need 7. really. good poem.
linebreak alternatives in 1?
 — kaleidazcope

I like this one sooooo weird superb second stanza
 — larrylark

i took out 7
 — gnormal

Still awful.
 — Roz

i like ducks!!!!
 — cyarhahaha

duck man
 — cyarhahaha

eyeballs yummm
 — unknown

Sorry.  I hope you've enjoyed a few moments at the Top, 'cause I'm knocking this shit down with 1/10.
 — aurelius

Blame it on the bong rips.  This is not good writing at all.  
 — unknown

the 2 users who consider this a favourite need to get into therapy.
for gods sake go see an analrapist...
you poem is multi-interpretive...a good thing i guess, but you know, hardly insightful nor demanding, just popcorn.
 — DeformedLion

YES?
fractalcore


now look --

who's talkin'?

lookin?

again.



: )

a mantra for myself
written may 18, 2008


thanks, gnormal.
 — fractalcore

make that


YES
fractalcore

now look --

who's talkin'?

lookin?

again.



a mantra
written may 18, 2008
for myself


thanks, gnormal.
: )
 — fractalcore

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