poetry critical

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i us we.

fate is a you
and a me
inside of somewhere
in part of together.
like puzzle pieces
from different
you and
i us we
will always know
each other

23 Jul 07

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 8, 9

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my initial impression is that "i"+ "we" do not require an "us."
Why are you dividing subject and object into two different entities? This is either your poem's greatest strength or its main flaw. Until I'm convinced otherwise, I'd say it's the latter. Please reconsider the presence of "us."
 — banditfemme

this. has neat flow.
"will always know each other always"
 — amaviena

love it. i feel like words falter when trying to describe how and why I like a poem...especially with yours because they are all so brilliant. i us we seem like puzzle pieces which fit perfectly and the whole picture i get of this love portrayed is wonderful.
 — papermoon

Its hardly a colonoscopy..but it is a bit tiresome...way too "and they all lived happily ever after" for my tastes, as though the temporal nature of 'love' exists outside the bounds of reality.
A bit trite, i suppose.

L4- is a bit rickity. Can you remove the "in"? I think it would flow nicer.

Overall this represents something which goes against the grain of my own philosophy and thus I can make no connection...sorry.

It flows like a smoothly flowing river, though, only one snag and thats cool. Nice formatting too.
 — DeformedLion