|Expert at Dying
He called himself talented
In his extraordinary ability
To messily shrink-wrap his skin around his bones
In a nursing home
With a tube of life-giving oxygen in his nose
Which felt surprisingly
Everything came down in a torrential rain.
That bright light over there,
The graininess of the ceiling,
That had to be processed.
He ordained himself laureate
For managing to bypass
All that mental paperwork.
15 Aug 07
Rated 8.7 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 6, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 3, 6, 7, 7, 9, 10, 10
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Excellent work, 10
This is great and so cleverly done. I am a fan.
Larry cooling his forehead lark
i like this. talk about rough.
well, rough on the sensor that accepts what is really strong. i am a little obsessed with what is strong, what seems to come across as powerful. i'm not all about the humor, unless it is done well. the serious stuff gets me, and this has that.
though, of course sardonic (aside from well done humor) qualities are appreciated, such as what is in this poem.
the first three lines are good. the next four all crash ino each other, and fail to rise off the page and create the image, the sense.
the second stanza comes off rather flat, and the ending is superficial, it means nothing to us, or you, I suspect.
Deformed Lion makes a good point, although in a needlessly esoteric way.
The trouble with those lines in the first stanza is that the words don't really do much for the audience. We know that oxygen is life-giving, so that doesn't really generate feelings of hope or whatever. Cold isn't dramatic even with a capital letter and a line break. Using those things to add drama to the line, or rather to attempt doing so, actually kinda sets up a disappointment. It's not that surprising.
Yeah, so, not super-great or anything. Keep on trying.
Its well put together but its just there. Good but not great. Keep going, this is an excellent start.
why is this in the top 5...this is not my best work, and I don't even like it that much. LOL oh well, can't be a bad thing
I hate it when that happens too, Dave. It never fails that the one I am least proud of ends up highly rated.
But this is a good one.
cant think of anything else to say except
and you could do much more with breaks. do you see?