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Expert at Dying
IamDave

He called himself talented
 1
In his extraordinary ability
 2
To messily shrink-wrap his skin around his bones
 3
In a nursing home
 4
With a tube of life-giving oxygen in his nose
 5
Which felt surprisingly
 6
Cold.
 7
 
 
Everything came down in a torrential rain.
 8
Visitor’s words,
 9
That bright light over there,
 10
The graininess of the ceiling,
 11
All information
 12
And equations
 13
That had to be processed.
 14
 
 
He ordained himself laureate
 15
For managing to bypass
 16
All that mental paperwork.
 17

15 Aug 07

Rated 8.7 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 6, 10, 10
Inactive (7): 3, 6, 7, 7, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Excellent work, 10
 — unknown

This is great and so cleverly done. I am a fan.

Larry cooling his forehead lark
 — larrylark

nicely done.
: )
 — fractalcore

i like this. talk about rough.

well, rough on the sensor that accepts what is really strong. i am a little obsessed with what is strong, what seems to come across as powerful. i'm not all about the humor, unless it is done well. the serious stuff gets me, and this has that.

though, of course sardonic (aside from well done humor) qualities are appreciated, such as what is in this poem.
 — listen

the first three lines are good. the next four all crash ino each other, and fail to rise off the page and create the image, the sense.

the second stanza comes off rather flat, and the ending is superficial, it means nothing to us, or you, I suspect.
 — DeformedLion

Deformed Lion makes a good point, although in a needlessly esoteric way.

The trouble with those lines in the first stanza is that the words don't really do much for the audience. We know that oxygen is life-giving, so that doesn't really generate feelings of hope or whatever. Cold isn't dramatic even with a capital letter and a line break. Using those things to add drama to the line, or rather to attempt doing so, actually kinda sets up a disappointment. It's not that surprising.

Yeah, so, not super-great or anything. Keep on trying.
 — unknown

Its well put together but its just there. Good but not great. Keep going, this is an excellent start.
 — Andramelach

why is this in the top 5...this is not my best work, and I don't even like it that much. LOL oh well, can't be a bad thing
 — IamDave

I hate it when that happens too, Dave. It never fails that the one I am least proud of ends up highly rated.

But this is a good one.
 — themolly

too clever.

very amusing.

cant think of anything else to say except

ditch: life-giving

and you could do much more with breaks. do you see?
 — jumpoline

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