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Breaking the Clouds
starr

I was beaming
 1
down the street.
 2
 
 
The best thing
 3
we had
 4
was distance,
 5
 
 
Fingers breaking
 6
the clouds
 7
in our room.
 8
 
 
Despite a tad
 9
of resistance,
 10
 
 
I was dreaming
 11
at your feet.
 12

3 Sep 07

Rated 10 (9.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 9, 10

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Comments:

instant joy
 — onklcrispy

Thanks, onklcrispy!  :-)
 — starr

this is lovely Starr.
I absolutely love lines 3-5, 10-12.

My little quirks:
the flow from L5 to L6 is rough for me; seems L6 is a sore thumb in the mix.
I also wondered:
if the BEST thing we had was distance, then how could the ONLY thing we had was resistance?   Could you say "the only thing remaining, left, chased"?
I suppose it's the word "had" interfering with me right now.
Maybe it's me.

Forgive my picking.  I think you did a great job with this regardless.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!  Thank you for your awesomely keen eyes/ears.  There is no need for forgiving.  I agree with the points you make and have revised.  Hope you'll stop on by and give it another sniff.  Thanks again!  Love, Starr
 — starr

yessss!  
nice edit.

so glad you don't mind my nit-picks.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I LOVE your knit-picks!  This is how we become better writers, Jen.  Thank you!!!  :-)
 — starr

lovely.
: )
 — fractalcore

This is so odd and quirky and sweet, just very innocent and playful all-round.
 — wendz

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