|Breaking the Clouds
I was beaming
down the street.
The best thing
in our room.
Despite a tad
I was dreaming
at your feet.
3 Sep 07
Rated 10 (9.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 9, 10
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Thanks, onklcrispy! :-)
this is lovely Starr.
I absolutely love lines 3-5, 10-12.
My little quirks:
the flow from L5 to L6 is rough for me; seems L6 is a sore thumb in the mix.
I also wondered:
if the BEST thing we had was distance, then how could the ONLY thing we had was resistance? Could you say "the only thing remaining, left, chased"?
I suppose it's the word "had" interfering with me right now.
Maybe it's me.
Forgive my picking. I think you did a great job with this regardless.
Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!! Thank you for your awesomely keen eyes/ears. There is no need for forgiving. I agree with the points you make and have revised. Hope you'll stop on by and give it another sniff. Thanks again! Love, Starr
so glad you don't mind my nit-picks.
I LOVE your knit-picks! This is how we become better writers, Jen. Thank you!!! :-)
This is so odd and quirky and sweet, just very innocent and playful all-round.
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