poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Breaking the Clouds

I was beaming
down the street.
The best thing
we had
was distance,
Fingers breaking
the clouds
in our room.
Despite a tad
of resistance,
I was dreaming
at your feet.

3 Sep 07

Rated 10 (9.7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(225 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


instant joy
 — onklcrispy

Thanks, onklcrispy!  :-)
 — starr

this is lovely Starr.
I absolutely love lines 3-5, 10-12.

My little quirks:
the flow from L5 to L6 is rough for me; seems L6 is a sore thumb in the mix.
I also wondered:
if the BEST thing we had was distance, then how could the ONLY thing we had was resistance?   Could you say "the only thing remaining, left, chased"?
I suppose it's the word "had" interfering with me right now.
Maybe it's me.

Forgive my picking.  I think you did a great job with this regardless.
 — jenakajoffer

Jennnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!  Thank you for your awesomely keen eyes/ears.  There is no need for forgiving.  I agree with the points you make and have revised.  Hope you'll stop on by and give it another sniff.  Thanks again!  Love, Starr
 — starr

nice edit.

so glad you don't mind my nit-picks.
 — jenakajoffer

I LOVE your knit-picks!  This is how we become better writers, Jen.  Thank you!!!  :-)
 — starr

: )
 — fractalcore

This is so odd and quirky and sweet, just very innocent and playful all-round.
 — wendz