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Missing Me
vicky

Talking with you I heard a sound,
 1
a faint and distant music, strange
 2
in it's familiarity;
 3
filling up the empty spaces.
 4
 
 
Laughing with you I felt a warmth,
 5
spreading from your body,
 6
eminating a youthful joy;
 7
restoring the Pieces of Me.
 8
 
 
Looking at you i caught a glimpse,
 9
my lost light shining through your eyes,
 10
a long forgotten truth of Self;
 11
allowing for me to be loved.
 12
 
 
My eyes took too long to adjust to our light;
 13
the mirror reflecting all I couldn't see;
 14
shattered. Shards blind me,
 15
I stagger, confused without hope.
 16
 
 
 
 
It leaves me now.
 17
Gone my freshly found worth.
 18
The pieces are smaller.
 19
 
 
Being with you I touched a love,
 20
Through you I saw the best of me,
 21
my Self in formless purity;
 22
Found by you, forever yours. Gone.
 23

30 Sep 07

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 9

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Comments:

L4 doesn't warrant a new sentence, use a semi colon on L3 so that line 4 finishes off the stanza and sentence.
L6 doesn't need a capital to start with
L8 same as L4
L1 ame as L8 & L4
L29 same again. Use semi colons. I see what you are trying to do but it still doesn't make a sentence.
Stanza 2 is redundant, I would cut this as it uses cliche words and adds nothing. I love the third stanza, long forgotten truth of self is lovely, L9 should be catch not caught to stay in keeping with the tense you use.
L14, in total darkness doesn't sound great.
You sort of keep swapping tenses throughout the poem. I like the present tense you use but you need to stay consistent.
L17, I think "Love leaves me now" sounds better than "too late", you already say it's too late in the line before where you say your eyes took too long to adjust.
The thing is, I understand your poem and identiry. I feel the emotion behind it so please don't think I am being too harsh. Believe me I wouldn't bother if I didn't see the potential you clearly have here.
I will come back to see how you are doing.
AC
 — angrychick

Sorry L12 same as L4 & L8!!
 — angrychick

Just thinking, you don't need to necessarily cut the  2nd stanza, just replace L6 & 7 with something. Burning brightly is what I meant by cliche, and spreading through your body doesn't seem right compared to the rest of the poem.
 — angrychick

Hey, yes better, emanating lol
 — angrychick

L13  - 15,
Mirrors reflecting all I couldn't see;
shattered. Shards blind me,
I stagger, confused without hope;
 — angrychick

angrychick? try angelchick! Thank you very much for all your help, I was way too close to this poem to see it from an objective viewpoint. I really needed some constuctive criticism and your advice has been VERY helpful. Thank you : )
 — vicky

thinking of changing the end

Found by you, forever yours. Gone.

Thoughts and/or suggestions?
 — vicky

i prefer your suggested ending. It captures the sense of loss of self  through loss of love really well
 — unknown

No problem, glad I could help. I love the ending now, bittersweet in the true sense.
 — angrychick

l9- capital I (small point, but every little helps!)

l20- Because of you I touched true love,
l21- Stolen; my thoughts, my dreams, my heart. Stolen;
l22- my Self, perfect in formless purity.
 — unknown

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