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anatomy of loving
sophiesword

our bodies are supposed to be individual machines
 1
and to function perfectly alone.
 2
 
 
he said:
 3
we are secret
 4
we are brilliant
 5
we are breathing
 6
(but we were broken)
 7
 
 
so we called our bodies home,
 8
and visited
 9
when in the neighbourhood.
 10
 
 
he whispered:
 11
you are secret
 12
you are brilliant
 13
you are
 14
(and i was breaking)
 15
 
 
hearts are supposed to be incredible
 16
but mine becomes millions of parts with his words.
 17
 
 
so we planned to learn
 18
the anatomy of loving,
 19
silently.
 20

2 Oct 07

Rated 7 (6.7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 6, 7, 7

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Comments:

the curtains of your heart
could close for a while
or forever
on the carcass of your house
which looms on a stilted landscape
of infinite sadness

later
those who pass by
seeing your ruin inhabited by phantoms
and greenery
will say        it was once
            ;       a beautiful house
 — unknown

gee, thanks. it was once, a beautiful house. at least i can still say my name.
 — sophiesword

this is an interesting poem
but i think it lacks empathy or something, maybe it's a little mechanical?
i do like what your saying,
but I really like what the unknown wrote!
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

I don't like L8...its so...annoying.

This is ok, perhaps its a little perfunctory. It seems so devoid and lifeless. You say the words, but they don't really carry you the way that they should.
 — DeformedLion

jenajoffer
thankyou, your comment made me have a revelation, and now i think i may just be able to write again, how i once did. mechanical, that was the word. i don't like it, but it is what i have become. sometimes it comes out better when i don't think.

and yes DL, devoid and lifeless it is. but, it seems like i needed to write it in order to get back on track! so i'm happy.
 — sophiesword

sophie,
that's great to hear.

I would like to return to this because what you're attempting to capture at this point is marvelous.  I would also like to offer some tangible suggestions in the near future if you are open to that.  Faving so I am reminded.
thanks,
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

i love 1-5 and 11-15

it is sort of mechanical. but i like it very much.
 — unknown

that was an unintentional anonymous, sorry. i am the unknown from directly above.
 — overdose

jenakajoffer
- i would be very open to any suggestions! in fact, they would be warmly embraced.

and overdose, thanks for your comment, im glad you liked it!
 — sophiesword

hello,
here are a few thoughts:

I suggest starting the poem with L's 6&7
(except a minor change in 7 with "to" instead of "and we"), this gives the idea that you are going against your statement of individuality and in fact, you function together, so he says.  This is my interpretation and I may in fact have it all wrong, but this is how I see it, and I like it.

L8: "we called our bodies home"
L9: could do w/out "each other" for minimalization
L15: you were 'breaking', so it should be your heart that falls too often, right?
L16/17: describing the heart as an "incredible machine" is doing this poor organ an terrible injustice.  
I think you need to find another word for machine, as it doesn't seem significant to repeat, (meaning, the likeness of bodies and hearts should be referred to as different things, a body is a machine; a heart is an instrument or something softer, yet still durable).  Then you could find something that works with "falls" or "breaks",  to polarize, and your thoughts together.

L19: not sure what you mean here.  what other name would it have?
If you keep this thought, then all I suggest is
omitting "even to each other" in L20.
Last lines, because I feel they seriously lack emotion, even emotionless emotion, whatever I mean, I think you know, but I'd just say
"we learn the anatomy of loving
silently".
It's short and a little more thoughtful.

I don't mean to bombard you with my thoughts--
it is your poem and only you truly understand what it means.
thanks,
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

not bombarding at all. Thank you so much jenakajoffer, that was incredibly incredibly helpful.
in terms of line 19, i was trying to run along the the lines of if the body can be called the home, then the heart can be called love. and we were too shy to say it to each other, even each other, and that's perhaps what made it so true. perhaps it doesn't work, i see what you are saying.
im having a play with it now, and ill repost in a bit when i've figured it out.
thanks again! your comments were amazing!
 — sophiesword

fixed this up a bit, i think it works better.
 — sophiesword

L16 is like an unfinished thought. But I keep adding machines to the end of it.
So it isn't a problem for me.

8-10 still annoy me and I don't see how you could change that. But I like this much more than before.
 — DeformedLion

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