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carbonation
bear

there's nothing in
 1
my stomach but
 2
coca cola from
 3
one of those
 4
little glass bottles
 5
 
 
carbonation bubbles
 6
popping one by one
 7
in my intestines
 8
 
 
causing mass confusion
 9
between all the
 10
gases mixing
 11
 
 
like the dreams
 12
of my youth
 13
and the faith
 14
i put in my
 15
heroes who are
 16
all dead by now
 17
 
 
those little bubbles
 18
make me think
 19
its time to get
 20
my shit together
 21
 
 
but then again
 22
i think maybe not  
 23
 
 
(mass confusion)
 24

4 Oct 07

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Comments:

I would change intestines to stomache. Yes, definetely.
remove 'all of' in L21.

this is rather yucky.
 — DeformedLion

not changing to stomach but i did take out "all of"

you think this is yucky? why?
 — bear

Cause your forcing me to go into your insides, and you know, I don't really want to hang out in you intestines.
This is alright though, I like the way you have constructed it, easy flow, and an interesting ending.
 — DeformedLion

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