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lost in space with a mirage
bear

once, when i was
 1
floating through space
 2
tripping from star to star
 3
and all the planets
 4
were aligned in
 5
the proper way
 6
 
 
i saw her
 7
beautiful face
 8
imprinted on the
 9
milky way
 10
 
 
and i was
 11
longing to touch her
 12
but when i
 13
reached out she
 14
faded away
 15
 
 
and i'm left
 16
grabbing air
 17
in an empty heart
 18

5 Oct 07


(define the words in this poem)
(199 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

anyone?
 — bear

floating and tripping don't seem a good match to me.
it's hard to trip when you're floating since you aren't even on your feet, and
especially when all the planets are aligned properly  =-)
(maybe you'd trip if they were scattered all wrong).

I don't think "beautiful" should be in there.  Perhaps imply beauty instead of just telling us.  "i saw her face on the milky way" just sounds amazing like that anyway.
I really like what you have there.
try: "I longed to touch her"

i do find myself a little lost with the meaning of this.  "grabbing air in an empty heart" is odd.  And my odd I mean disconnected from the poem.
I need MORE here.  I like the idea, but I want to see why you want to touch her, and what it means to you.  So far, what is here doesn't do that.
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Ok.  I like this, but I have some suggestions:
"and" and "but" are never great starts to lines... revisit these lines.
For example, on line 11, you could start with "I was..."
Which brings me to my next point:  You should Capitalize your "I"... unless you are e.e. cummings or something.
Also, be sure to use punctuation, even if it's minimal...
Other than these few changes, the poem stands as a really wonderful piece.  
Good job!
 — aforbing

Wow, I loved lines 1-6. I stuck a little on lines 6, 10, 15. I know the 'way' sound was intentional but I can't decide if I like it or not. Good job, though!
 — Rynne

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