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Not Talking to You Again
chat-noir

               Maybe hearts dont break at all
       they just dry up like autumn leaves
                 and blow away.
                  -unknown


Those pills did a number.
 1
Eventually we stopped counting the gray matter
 2
ice cream scoops taken from our skulls.
 3
 
 
Maybe if I had my whole head together I would have
 4
I should have nipped it in your bud,
 5
and you never would have talked to me
 6
like that.
 7
 
 
Before you
 8
I never let anyone talk to me
 9
like that.
 10
 
 
Damn you damn you
 11
 
 
and I soak my angst into the mattress --
 12
(since your chest no longer lies beneath me)
 13
university mattresses only made comfortable by a foam pad
 14
that will probably kill me in my sleep,
 15
wreathed in yellow pluming fumes,
 16
but that's what college kids look for anyways.
 17
 
 
It has been only one month since we stopped.
 18
Fighting.
 19
Fucking.
 20
 
 
Or speaking.
 21
 
 
My latest mistake sleeps in my bed until noon,
 22
and wakes every time I slide out between floral sheets, in the night,
 23
reaching for me.
 24
"I just need to pee"
 25
 
 
or cry, my head squeezed between your knees
 26
in some aching yellow bathroom stall.
 27

9 Oct 07

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
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Inactive (0): 8

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Comments:

In L/2 change to gray mattered scoops.
In L/4 place comma after 'together' and combine the verbs 'would and should'
In L/8 place comma after 'you'.
In L/11 place hyphen in between ending with exclamation point.
In L/12 omit 'and' & replace hyphen with comma and end L/13 with period.
In L/14 replace the repeated word matress with bed springs.
In L/18 end 'stopped' with colon and drop fight down to next line.
In L/22 'reaching for me' is so far away from subject that it is unclear.
 — fallentears

In L/11 like this:
           Damn you -- Damn you!
In L/13 remove parenthesis.
 — fallentears

There's something I really like about this, but cant quite put my finger on it. I do agree with fallentears' comment about L18. Otherwise it's fantastic!
 — kitkatkarin

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