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Far-Flung
jerotich

Steps quicken
 1
as the textured rain clouds gather
 2
(like the drapes we quickly draw at dusk
 3
to hold out the mosquitoes,
 4
the prying eyes of school boys
 5
and the ever-present African dust).
 6
 
 
Drops fall
 7
like as many translucent marbles;
 8
the dampness finds its way
 9
inside our sandals and down our backs.
 10
But even as you go on talking,
 11
I'm only aware of the haunting
 12
beauty of distant thunder growls
 13
 
 
Later, drier, I'll peel back the curtains
 14
which do so much to enclose my evening
 15
in the fathomable and tame.
 16
I'll examine, again, the far-flung moon
 17
and the thousand miles
 18
of silence between us.
 19

Written in response to Basho's haiku:
Clouds appear
and bring to men a chance to rest
from looking at the moon.

11 Oct 07

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
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Inactive (1): 7, 9

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Comments:

There is some nice imagery in this, particularly the first and second stanza.  But imagery aside, the final 2 lines deflate it for me...  The wanton moon?  Million miles of unknown?  I think you could do better than that...  We've seen those before, time and time again.

Also, the title really doesn't work for the piece and I'm not really sure why you're not capitalizing "i'll."  How does it bring further meaning to the work?  I see you do capitalize the final "I," but the meaning is beyond me.  ;)

Thanks!
 — openVerse

line 5 - like as many?  Perhaps either "like" or "as many" but like as many doesn't quite do.  You might also want a comma end of that sentence, as it's running into the next one in a not good way.

This is interesting but I can't decide if you love the moon or the person.  What is the maroon dust?  I thought you'd fill in that blank somewhere but you didn't.

I just don't see a wanton moon so much as I do a cloud.  You didn't do much to make the connection to the title, in my opinion.  
 — Isabelle5

revised.
 — jerotich

nice poem, jerotich. i haven't read your stuff in a long time.

i'd suggest removing 'the' and 'and' from a few places.

here are some suggestions - all incorporated -

Steps quicken  
as rain clouds gather
(like the drapes we quickly draw
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          at dusk  
to hold out mosquitoes, the prying
eyes of school boys  
and the ever-present African dust).  

Drops fall  
like as many translucent marbles;  
dampness finds its way  
inside our sandals, down our backs.  
But even as you talk,  
I am only aware this haunting beauty
of the distant thunder growls.
    
Later, drier, I'll peel back the curtains  
which do so much to enclose my evening  
in the fathomable and tame.  
I'll examine, again, the far-flung moon  
and the thousand miles  
of silence between us.


line 16 seems to be most out of place, for me.

not too much of change.
hope this helps.
thanks.
 — varun

i don't like my stuff being rewritten, but I think i agree with you varun.  thanks. :-)
 — jerotich

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