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the Days of Our Lives
DeformedLion

Remember this,
 1
the cookie grins, the laughs
 2
the milk mustaches hinting
 3
call it what you will,
 4
but I will call it happiness
 5
 
 
how time marched on
 6
forgetting us, our
 7
pale times of joy
 8
now only footnotes
 9
in dust clad photo-albums
 10
lined upon the shelves
 11
 
 
how from youth
 12
we were bundled up
 13
given no choice,
 14
but to grow,
 15
to grow apart,
 16
and miss each other
 17
with all we could have shared
 18
 
 
with you and your floral
 19
dress, and I
 20
with my grubby hands
 21
which seems from here
 22
perhaps the only time
 23
I would leave my mark on you.
 24
 
 
my fingerprints, my boundlessness
 25
your shy smile, your bundled hair
 26
all gone to ash
 27
as we drift further through our days
 28
forgetting, that we once
 29
shared love
 30
as only two can, and learned
 31
our first lessons of youth.
 32
 
 
that love, so fickle
 33
bends upon the slightest breeze
 34
and like a shimmering light
 35
coruscating upon our reflective pool
 36
fades with darkness, and
 37
dies with light
 38
because, it seems,
 39
love is vapid
 40
and only dithers.
 41

11 Oct 07

Rated 9.5 (9.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (5): 6, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I love when this happens.
When I love a poem.
When i have nothing else to say.

thank you for writing.
jen-
 — jenakajoffer

...and then I see the title.
I wouldn't cheapen this with a soap opera title.
that's all.
 — jenakajoffer

love is one of those rare things that grows and ripens, but never spoils. Love L21-23
 — Andramelach

The title is fitting. Thats your problem if you choose to associate it with something else.
Slight changes...sort of...ummm, thanks for the niceness.

There is something about the 3rd stanza that I must change...although I have forgotten what it was.
 — unknown

you have the mind to grasp all things dead, loved and alive;
the soul of experience,
the heart of a...
DeformedLion?
haha.

I enjoyed this poem today.
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks Jen and A.
 — DeformedLion

I would never have guessed this was yours, A.
I am tired right now but I will be back.
And with an email too.
 — unknown

Wow! Quite sad, in content.i thought L4 and 5 perfect.
 — crimsonkiss

thankyou.

hmm i really like L2, and then I think L3 could be the line I have ever written.
 — DeformedLion

I meant 'L3 could be the best line I have ever written"
 — DeformedLion

"that love, so fickle on the slightest breeze", maybe, cause "bends" pushes into the reader but leaves "upon the slightest breeze" sounding cliche'?

nicely carved out of your own word space, i think. it feels very authentic, even though it's superficially like the prosey narrative poems. the totality of good moves is what makes this tasteful and evocative.
 — joey

made some slight changes just now.

Thanks Joey for your tasty comment.

And to the unknown: huh?
 — DeformedLion

ahem, sorry sir but i do believe it should be "me, with my grubby hands", not I; grammatically speaking.

and as i was enjoying a re-read of this after sooo long i noticed that you could change 'seems' to seem, L22.

=-)
 — jenakajoffer

oohh, re-commenting just made your rating skyrocket.
 — jenakajoffer

I guess it's good you never really made many edits to this work, so we can come back nearly a decade since you grew out of diapers and see how much you've grown.  What a big boy you are now!

I still love the voice in this poem, you were once so very soft and forlorn, vulnerable...maybe that's why I offered my teat so early on.  

oh and look, you're still hanging there by one little milk-tooth (but only in the tiny mouth of night).
 — jenakajoffer

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