poetry critical

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i met her in the library, amongst talk of you and me

i like pablo neruda,
she tells me, curling a lock of jet black hair
around her index finger, nails chewed down
to the bone of her right hand.
she flips through "selected poems" until
she finds her favourite one; the pages are yellowed
and passages are highlighted from time to time.
she smoothes down her skirt, and reads to me.
when her voice loses the questioning, awkward lilt,
i close my eyes, and settle back into my seat and her voice comes from somewhere far away;
i can hear the raspy, dust choked streets in her accent,
and the way she slowly turns the pages.
when she is finished reading,
she asks if i would mind if she speaks in spanish.
si senora - it would be my pleasure, i tell her.
she sings to me of blood orange suns,
dry streets, brightly coloured festivals and children,
pinatas, and beaches which stretch out towards the setting sun.
i close my eyes, and she is there with me on the white, white sand,
and the rustling of a hundred notebooks fade to waves,
fluorescent lights soften into a pink-lit dusk and our worlds collide, collapse into a sunset fading into whispers and the promise of eternity.

23 Oct 07

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I like this but there are a few things I would change.
You use sun in L16, 18 and 21; I would suggest using another image or another word as the repetition doesn't sit right. Again, you use 'streets' in L12 and L17- perhaps change?

Also, could you consider changing 'jet black hair'? So much hair is described like this, it becomes a bit old hat. Maybe use 'ebony' instead?

I really got a feeling of Spain after I read this though. Good job.
 — naomih

Hey, naomih - I have exactly the same concerns as you on this one. I had to post it quickly, as I was in a rush and didn't have time to go back over it. Glad you felt the Spain - that's all this was meant to do :)
 — wendz


your poem inspired me to write a poem today, so thank you.
 — raskolniikov

A totally inspirational poem with sustained lyricism and beautiful imagery.

Larry beyond the rainbow Lark
 — larrylark


i enjoyed this piece although i personally feel the poem should have ended at "whispers"

nice one wendz.
 — trochee

I am going to selfishly pretend this is about me. If you don't mind.
 — unknown

hmm, i like libraries; i used to
steal my favorite books from

my first neruda encounter was
with celebrities reciting his poems
in english; i was with my 1st
girlfriend listening to that tape
in bed.

this is a gripping read; the 1st
line played a real vital role in
setting the hispanic feel in it,
though a spanish S6 would've
reinforced that initial move.

i encounter many a poetic moment
in this rather prosey delivery and
that happened mostly in your last
strophe which saved the whole
piece. that's where you shifted
voices/gears as if inspired by that
personal experience in the previous
strophe which ought to be more
vital than the 1st line -- an authentic
spanish encantation in quotes, if you
will -- but maybe it's just me with my
imagination failing in that particular

very nice write, nonetheless.
: )
 — fractalcore

wendz, this is great. lovely imagery and i love the first half in story form.
 — mandolyn

maybe an overabundance of image- or too many words stuffed between 16-21 but still excellent.
 — DeformedLion