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i met her in the library, amongst talk of you and me
wendz

i like pablo neruda,
 1
she tells me, curling a lock of jet black hair
 2
around her index finger, nails chewed down
 3
to the bone of her right hand.
 4
 
 
she flips through "selected poems" until
 5
she finds her favourite one; the pages are yellowed
 6
and passages are highlighted from time to time.
 7
 
 
she smoothes down her skirt, and reads to me.
 8
 
 
when her voice loses the questioning, awkward lilt,
 9
i close my eyes, and settle back into my seat and her voice comes from somewhere far away;
 10
i can hear the raspy, dust choked streets in her accent,
 11
and the way she slowly turns the pages.
 12
 
 
when she is finished reading,
 13
she asks if i would mind if she speaks in spanish.
 14
si senora - it would be my pleasure, i tell her.
 15
 
 
she sings to me of blood orange suns,
 16
dry streets, brightly coloured festivals and children,
 17
pinatas, and beaches which stretch out towards the setting sun.
 18
 
 
i close my eyes, and she is there with me on the white, white sand,
 19
and the rustling of a hundred notebooks fade to waves,
 20
fluorescent lights soften into a pink-lit dusk and our worlds collide, collapse into a sunset fading into whispers and the promise of eternity.
 21

23 Oct 07

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Comments:

I like this but there are a few things I would change.
You use sun in L16, 18 and 21; I would suggest using another image or another word as the repetition doesn't sit right. Again, you use 'streets' in L12 and L17- perhaps change?

Also, could you consider changing 'jet black hair'? So much hair is described like this, it becomes a bit old hat. Maybe use 'ebony' instead?

I really got a feeling of Spain after I read this though. Good job.
 — naomih

Hey, naomih - I have exactly the same concerns as you on this one. I had to post it quickly, as I was in a rush and didn't have time to go back over it. Glad you felt the Spain - that's all this was meant to do :)
 — wendz

~wendz~

your poem inspired me to write a poem today, so thank you.
 — raskolniikov

A totally inspirational poem with sustained lyricism and beautiful imagery.

Larry beyond the rainbow Lark
 — larrylark

wonderful!

i enjoyed this piece although i personally feel the poem should have ended at "whispers"

nice one wendz.
 — trochee

I am going to selfishly pretend this is about me. If you don't mind.
 — unknown

hmm, i like libraries; i used to
steal my favorite books from
there.

my first neruda encounter was
with celebrities reciting his poems
in english; i was with my 1st
girlfriend listening to that tape
in bed.

this is a gripping read; the 1st
line played a real vital role in
setting the hispanic feel in it,
though a spanish S6 would've
reinforced that initial move.

i encounter many a poetic moment
in this rather prosey delivery and
that happened mostly in your last
strophe which saved the whole
piece. that's where you shifted
voices/gears as if inspired by that
personal experience in the previous
strophe which ought to be more
vital than the 1st line -- an authentic
spanish encantation in quotes, if you
will -- but maybe it's just me with my
imagination failing in that particular
area.

very nice write, nonetheless.
: )
 — fractalcore

wendz, this is great. lovely imagery and i love the first half in story form.
 — mandolyn

maybe an overabundance of image- or too many words stuffed between 16-21 but still excellent.
 — DeformedLion

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