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Autumn is for Abortion
SteelAngel

propped on pillows face-first
 1
the curve of her spine
 2
frowns: tummy low with death
 3
and vodka
 4
 
 
as double heartbeats
 5
single; regret is de-born,
 6
slept off with [like?]
 7
a hangover
 8
 
 
liberated college princess
 9
emptied. he sleeps overseas,
 10
far from the failed rubbers
 11
and summer love
 12

31 Oct 07

Rated 7 (8.6) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (10): 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(43 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Strong writing, L9 to 12 a poem all on its own.
Not so sure about [with?] it seems a bit gimmicky, the poem doesn't need it imo.
 — unknown

thank you for read and commenting! would it be better for line 7 to have "like" or "with"? because they both applied, and that was what I meant by the brackets.
 — SteelAngel

  I prefer "with" for l7, it makes it stronger, I think.

The title doesn't seem to fit the poem. I wouldn't have clicked it if I hadn't been clicking on every poem in the list, and the poem is well worth clicking on!

the period in l10 is strange. since there is so little punctuation in the rest of the poem, it sort of jars the flow a little. perhaps put that back with the other strophe somehow, and start the new one with "while he sleeps..." maybe? I don't know.

Regardless, this is good.
 — Ananke

thank you ananke for the feedback! well, I changed the title, but it's seems too flip for the content. any suggestions?

I think I may leave the period in L10 though, because I actually do have punctuation midline in every stanza, and I really want "emptied" to have the weight of the finality it's describing.

changed L7 to with though. does that read better?

thank you so much for your help!
 — SteelAngel

Fine poem.

Some interesting word choices here, although I might construct the line breaks somewhat differently. The only real problem I have with this poem is line 3. "with death" is really a bit of a tongue-twister for me.

Good Luck.
 — unknown

pretty powerful, might be able to improve the title
 — poetbill

changed the title again. put like back in, to separate with and death. better?
 — SteelAngel

"de-born" is kind of obvious. like, if you'd said "fucking de-borned" then you'd drop this piece into reality. all of its overstated cause your irony is driving this but you think you're being distant and "ironic". the sentiments are confused, but the poem isn't structured so that we can see the confusion as real instead of accidentally put in while you were writing a poem. i'd edit this more, since the motion is in it that gives a poem an edge.
 — joey

thank you for the critique, but that would be too angry, and nothing about this situation was angry. it's sad. it's not even supposed to be distanced, as this actually occurred in my living room two weeks ago. perhaps this is me distancing myself from it, now that I'm thinking about it. this is about a good friend and housemate. she fell asleep, crying as she laid this way. and I was sad, so I wrote this. perhaps I do not experience reality of this situation the way you would - but this was reality, as I saw it. thank you for the suggestion, but it would not fit the tone of the memory (which I realize you could not have known). what do you think is too overstated?
 — SteelAngel

I think the message is clearly worded, and cleverly, but the overall language strikes me as a bit clinical. I did happen to read through the comments before commenting myself, and sadness isn't really apparent to me here. I think joey may have a point about the tone of the poem. Considering the frequency that the letter r appears, and is heard, there is a slight underlying rumble to your words.
Maybe you're slightly angry and don't know it? I would suggest finding the words that say what you want, but "sound" sad. Line 10 has this sad sound, to me. Whereas line 11 does not. That is just what I look for in emotive poetry.

Good Luck.
 — unknown

thank you, unknown for your comment, and suggestion. searched for ways to show quietly-watch-your-friend-suffer saddness.

so,

changed line 3, sags to frowns. changed line 6, anxiety to regret. and changed line 11, freed to far. sadder?
 — SteelAngel

This is powerful.  Not sure about like or with, depends on if she has a hangover or not and only you can say.  The last verse is jam packed with image and regret.
 — Isabelle5

excellent words!
i don't really know what to say except,
awesome writing.
lines 2-4 are wonderful.

loved your poem.
 — jenakajoffer

fucking fantastic. i can't think of anything that should be changed.  maybe L2 could be 'her spine's curve' or 'her curved spine'......i don't think it would even really help anyway.

when poems this powerful are also this small.....i always feel the fewer words the better.....its like pressurizing a diamond

anyway, im giving you a 10, and if you know how hard i rate....you should be ecstatic.
 — joshcoops

Autumn is for Awesome Writing too!  Strong shit here and that's what makes it so worthy of its status.  Congrats for hitting the Recent Best list.  "10."
 — starr

changed curvature to curve, but I'm not sure if I like it yet. better/worse? Thank you for the comments and feedback, Isabelle, jenakajoffer, joshcoops, and star. Really do appreciate it. (ecstatic, even)
 — SteelAngel

ooh, nice change!
Jen-
 — jenakajoffer

Mmm witty and poignant. "Like slept off hangover" sounds better I'd say.
 — eyesaque

unknown... this has nothing to do with porn, you freak!
 — kymberley

It's emotional, it's beautiful, it's heartfelt: 10.
 — Porcelain_Lo

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