poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Cheerful Death

Weight relieved
with each tearful shudder
barren limbs rise
lifelessly stare at the wind
Dry tears fall
to their death
red puddles, fadeing to brown
crunch cheerily beneath my feet

2 Nov 07

Rated 9 (7.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (2): 4, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(20 more poems by this author)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


s'ok, but ghost... like the guy in "sixth sense" that doesn't realize he's written an arty poem when he tries to talk about it to einstein and einstein's already dead.

"weight relieved" comes off for me like "doody deeve", sort of sing-song, because it's not modulated in the next line. it makes "tearful shudder" seem simply "fretful".
 — joey

psst --is that how you want your title to be?  

This is confusing to read.  Lifeless and rising are opposites, dry tears?  
Why are you staring at the wind?  You can't see it, how about a more logical image, a cloud, a bird flying, a tree, the memory of a face?

You still have feet?  I just am not getting the meat, Poet.  
 — Isabelle5

katt's showing the rising from a death, with tears and pain, and what had here-to-fore been arms and legs that could not do what they ought to have done -- freed katt.

tears are falling, a reiteration, but to bring us into the next frame, the next scene... "to their death" is simply a word-shape falling and making a klang for us, words about words... and the tears are blood, red puddles, and blood dries quickly, since they're memories only, and turn crunchy, like mud or blood, and the sound is that ironic music that rings in your head, the echo of the concert of death, and turned into a ballad. in a sense, and if you take this to the level of highest poetry, the poem itself is that crunching sound.
 — joey

I also question the title, which affects the reading. Also, which is it, cheerful or lifeless?
 — poetbill

jeez, poetbill. this is a poem, not a bus schedule.
 — joey


That is a major problem in a poem.  Please attend to it, Poet.
 — Isabelle5

thanks to everyone for your comments. I Submitted this at work (again) so I apologize for the title. I'm being obscure, it drives me nuts when other poets do it, but everyone seemed to like it when Emily Dickinson did it. Regardless, it's what poets do.

However I considered adding "and" at the end of line 3 and line 7. Would that help the clarity and would it detract from the rest of the poem.
 — katt

maybe "fading to brown", cause there's a beat missing anyway, and the "ing" will be resonated in "cheerily" and complete the reader's physical response, the reader's dance, i mean -- above the "meaning".
 — joey

I like it! Thanks for the suggestions and your interpretation Joey. I never would have guessed that it could be interpreted that way, but makes a beautiful metaphor.
 — katt

Recent Best (expand)