poetry critical

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winter solstice

what light there is
fall on me now
if dark compos'd
this moment's bow
for light in light
where darkness may
the fault is mine
in blindness stray
when absence stirs
sweet sound your will
your breath in life
surrounds me still

2 Nov 07

Rated 7.5 (8.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 9
Inactive (7): 4, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(4 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

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thank you.
 — jenakajoffer

not so bad. you know, of course, that when we do these we're set dressing for a little stage play, the only character in, and whose only action is, ourselves taking a bow after our pantomime?

maybe, and they would have done it, putting some punctuation -- and they were at that time when punctuation was becoming understood -- a semi-colon, perhaps, after "mine". the semi-colon is a little gesture towards what follows. the arm swings out, the hand opens slightly, indicating where the reader should wait. all the other similar situations in this poem have obvious connectors i think.

the conceit is very nice, the words, too, are friendly, and i can read this over and over as though i were walking in a forest path treading river stones while the cold water is so warm, or so it seems, when a poem can blend sensations and say more than simple talking allows.
 — joey

thank you jen, that made my day :-)

thank you for your comments and careful reading joey.  i thought about the lack of punctuation as i was posting this, and decided i liked the look and feel of the words alone, (maybe conceitfully) thinking the flow of the words themselves enough punctuation.  i shall try your suggestions at home for now.

*a bow*
 — oracle

Oh yes, beautiful.
harks back to the good ol' days...whatever they were.
 — DeformedLion

Ahhhh at last a thing of beauty in a desert of trash poems and throw away prose indulged in by Larry lark among others

Larry junk Lark
 — larrylark

try 'sounds' instead.
 — unknown

Very nice.
 — saturated

needs punctuating
 — unknown

Creates a lingering comfort. Nice work
 — poetbill

the words trip and flow so very well - loving lines 3 - 4 especially

and the implication so neatly woven in lines 9 - 12 is so well composed the only description left is impressive

very well written
 — Mongrol

i think there some things that could be changed that would help me to like your poem a little more and i thank you for making this poem the way that you did because the next poem that i write will be improved because of what i noticed here thank you
 — kong

thank you all for your comments and suggestions :)

DFL: the good ole days are always there for the finding!

LL: PC is always here for the indulging, thanks for the encouragement.

UKs: i am still liking this without the punctuation!  however, i often prefer punctuation too, so it's a fair comment/criticism.  and i think 'sounds' ends up with too many s's, plus 'sound' matches what i was thinking/feeling when i wrote this.

Sat, PB, Mong: thank you for your words.

and Kong: PC might actually be working for some of us ay?  i heard once that a writer learns to write by writing, so write on :)
 — oracle

i would prefer 'sounds' as well.
 — DeformedLion

Not bad! Nice work.
 — Henry

please don't change any of this. it will live, your critics, in 50 years, will be talking about conscious representation -- having long before learnt to read you as you wrote. it's up to us to find the author in the poem, then re-represent ourselves as the dancer over the dance.
 — joey

Gave me chills.
 — Isabelle5


kinda boring

 — eyesaque

what a delicate piece of writing -- like it a lot.
 — lzug

I still love this!
 — lzug

i have a pc poem favourite list on my blog, so i'm going through it, and how sad it is to see so many have since disappeared.  this one, thankfully, is still here.
where did you go, oracle?
love this, still.
 — jenakajoffer

Beautiful, I love this one
 — angelsraware