poetry critical

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All I have left is this phfffoto

he packed his paper bags
after mother asked for health insurance,
said he couldn't afford us,
complained his cigarettes cost
a quarter a pack
I'm grown now, I've seen him
in his high-life, wheeling
and dealing Father Francis,
sugar-coating Nancywhiskey
for dry cleaning
but I've always known the truth;
Doc Hudson told him our hideous secret--
that his son was eaten by its twin in utero
and his wife went mad giving birth
to extra fingernails.
Christ wears a bonnet,
I can still hear the little bastard screaming!


8 Nov 07

Rated 6.7 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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i suck at links too usually after i've sucked at eggs and sucked at a couple strips of bacon don't forget to link your poem into the forum thread awesome poem!
 — unknown

yeah, just did.  i was surprised it worked.
thanks for the great comments!!
 — jenakajoffer

apparently i suck at being anonymous too.
why bother??!!  LOL
 — unknown

please read this kick-ass poem.
 — unknown

cool poem, flamboyant and crazy. amusing.
love the ending.
 — DeformedLion

much better than mine
 — kong

i liked reading this. it rolled easily.
 — raskolniikov

thank you.
 — jenakajoffer

don't like the repetitive 'that's. i would leave out the first one (l13) and use a colon at the end of l12.
other than that...great!

 — unknown

lighten up, william. it was a joke.
 — unknown

wrong poem, sorry miss amigo.
 — unknown

oh yes, thanks.  I had a problem with the repeat as well.
I also moved the 'truth' line up to the previous stanza,
I think it reads better now.

thank you!
 — jenakajoffer

um, maybe not.
think i'll change it back now that
I see it.
 — jenakajoffer

powerfully unique
 — poetbill

thanks for reading, billiam.
 — jenakajoffer

wondrous. thanks for dispelling the myth that a PHFFFOTO FRIDAYISH must be done in a half hour or less (forgive me if you did--it just looks incredibly polished). I'm not crazy about |25 (but that's what SHE said!) but yeah. you've got soul.
 — Virgil

Christ wears a bonnet,
I can still hear the
little bastard screaming.

I love it
 — EpicPants

This is a truly great poem
 — larrylark

yes, half hour or less, but for the deletion of 3 words that came later.
as far as your further comment, I really have no idea what you meant.  
but thank you for reading.

epicpants, larrylark: thank you  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Wow!  Beautifully tragic.  I have no idea how this could be made better.
 — rrjcarleton

Yea I guess the poem doesnt make alot of sense if you dont see the pic. typing the long link was a pain but worth it since this is such a great poem.
 — unknown

ooh, i'm happy someone read this one, it's been a long time.
thanks rick, i will try to return the favour soon.

thnkyou, yes the links don't post properly but thanks for going the extra mile.

now..i wonder if this will work.  not that it matters.


nope nevermind.
 — jenakajoffer

juicy!!  I just want to pick it up and squeeze all over my bare chest!
 — jpmhawk

that's quite a visual, jp  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

yay, e_boy, I still have mine (thought I deleted it), I miss these too!
 — jenakajoffer

I'm sure glad the pic was still available for viewing or this wouldn't have made much sense!  Love, love 18-20.  I am beginning to hate how damn good you are at this writing thing.  If I spent the rest of my life staring at that picture, I'd never get a poem out of it.  I hate you, I love you, I'm soooo confused!  LOL ;)
 — sybarite

holy cow, syb, I had no idea you read this! thanks! damn I used to be so inspired! It's not fair, I love it, I hate it, I'm soooo confused!!! ;)
 — jenakajoffer

:)  Still love 18-20!
 — sybarite

Wow jenaka.  This is the most twisted thing I've read of yours.  Nice.  

I Still prefer the "rotting fruit pome" you wrote a while back, but this is deliciously dour.  

L8-9 and 13-20 are mad genius as far as I can see in this incarnation (you may change it later, but you'll know the lines I mean if you don't.  

L2-5 seem to be wanting.  all only opinion though.  ty for the read.
 — Haxxen

Reminds me of a dean koontz book!

Maybe horror is your forte, yeah? ;-)

I need some inspiration, I'm lacking at the moment, I'm going to start looking at fffotos.

Great poem. Enjoyed.
 — fortuitous

hey hax, thanks for the read n' seed.  so bizarre to hear you mention the rotting fruit pomme, wow as if you remember that...i think it was called 'la maison'? the rats in the fruit i've been feasting? something like that...

anyway, i don't really know what you're talking about, which lines i might change...sorry dude i haven't the foggiest.  I'm all boxed and cobbed so if you have a suggestion for a change, let it rip. :)

can you believe it's supposed to be temps of 8+ this weekend?? well at least where i am.  a january thaw, wows.  thanks for popping by this oldie..
 — jenakajoffer

Dean Koontz! Oh fortie, that's so funny, I have read so many of his books, mostly when I was a teenager or a 20 something.  

Thank you so much for reading, and yeah, horror and twisted shit is pretty fun at times.  it's been awhile, but there's never any true shortage of sadism from where my words errupt, lol.  :D
 — jenakajoffer

lines 11 to 17 actually scare me! this is dark writing and the horror story is reality.

nicely done.
 — jenn

"La Maison"  Quite right.  Loved that one.

Lines in question:

"after mother asked for health insurance,
said he couldn't afford us,
complained his cigarettes cost
a quarter a pack"

Compared to the rest of the poem, these lines seem clinical to me.

Forgive me for quoting "Joey" here, but he had a point, i think, when he said English is not the most beautiful language for poetry.  To me, (personally speaking) some English words can minimise the poetic beauty of vision.  ""insurance, afford, a quarter a pack" would be my examples in those lines.  Femmebot was able to incorporate that mechanical language in a way that worked for me in a big way.  with you it seems awkward, because your internal language seems softer and more telling of a woman's scent.  

My take anyway, and my take alone.  

Do as you will. Your writing inspires.

 — Haxxen

thanks jenni :)

you too, Haxxen,
I appreciate your sharing of thoughts.  I guess I can see what you're point is about 'clinical' wording...never thought of it before, just sort of saw it as an intro to a story based on the photo.  i suppose you're right, and a more poetic delivery could improve this poem, but how do you change a photofriday after 5 years, haha.

it was a fun one to write indeed, don't know how this came to mind when I looked at the photo.  kinda think i like that warped imagination.

thanks again as always,
 — jenakajoffer

by the way, Hax, I was motivated by your first comment to go search my blog for the maison poem...funny how even I thought it was pretty good back then, but...yeah, it's awful. :p
 — jenakajoffer

You shouldn't say that about your work.  it did, after all, make "top rated" here.  Obviously is spoke to a number of people.  why do you doubt it now?  What do you think was lacking?  I ask in a learning capacity.
 — Haxxen

maybe i'll just repost it and we'll talk there, i'm sure you'll see what i mean.  maybe that's a good thing, dredging something out that people used to like, and see how we've changed. :)
 — jenakajoffer

Yeah, Jen - me too. (Dean Koontz)

I remembered you said something about that to me in the forums - and I am not shitting you, really and truley is what it reminded me of.

My mum liked Dean Koontz books - she just like books in general, really. But yeah, that's how I started reading him.

The bad place is always, and still my favourite.

 — fortuitous