poetry critical

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Motherly love.

you wear lime on your forehead
for sure you're crazy--
yo' momma made you
she even touched you.
your drizzled brow
knows that somethings up
but is peering at the tips
of your toes.
no where.
father took your pieces,
left them in mud
told you not
to swear. you swore
and he still could never
say it.
Sometimes you touch your penis
in sterile rigidity.
sometimes you tell it secrets,
its ok. she cannot hear you
but you can hear her,
when she says
'i luv you,
my baby boy'.
and you shiver inside
and unloved.

10 Nov 07

Rated 10 (9) by 2 users.
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wow, who would have thought you could actually write...

its sort of like you are unloading your guilt on us, and this is too offhand...in that we can see what you are doing- trying to hide the 'real'- but it is real and sort of self-conscious...your parents must have done a number on you.
and thats whats interesting about this.

the ending is especially good, and i guess its kind of disturbing, but its not like this kind of shit has never happened. Hey, i've seen Springer.
 — DeformedLion

well, well...I am surprised.
this is shockingly good- the execution is brilliant, and it makes me feel that the narrator is speaking of himself in the 3rd person.  It's disturbing, but it's not sickening. I am impressed.

a few things:
L2: "you're"
L7: "something's (I think)
L14: take out "and"
L25: not a fan of "luv" but I gather it's slang spelling is intentional.

 — jenakajoffer

yeah, thanks....fools.

Of course I can write. Hello, ever read 'Cancer fucks ass"? A masterpiece, for sure.
 — friedMnoodle

it's okay but drizzled brow seemed sorta outta place and also i think you made a booboo by putting love you in brackets probably if you didn't even have those two words at all but rather and he still could never by itself and then all sorts of possibilities are left to one's imagination the way you've done it just seems like a bit of a gimmick but what do i know i have milk drizzling down my chin still from the last poem i read
 — chuckle_s

agree with chuckle s about line 18 & 6.  a little tired of ma and pa psychology poems but hey we've all written one.  don't like 'yo' in line 3.
 — smcyrone

ok, fine i changed that love thing.
 — friedMnoodle

nah it's a good one.

all the cliche fucked poems about love are on 'puppy dogs and roses critical'...and on PC, i suspect. You should go there. This is serious and I find your comment to be stupid and unhelpful in the slightest....fucking idiots.
 — friedMnoodle

sadly disgusting.
 — unknown

good for you, man,
: )
 — fractalcore