poetry critical

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~Thirteenth Index
EpicPants

I) The Fattening;
 1
feasting on after
 2
party delights;
 3
Funeral engorgement.
 4
Pouring cholesterol based
 5
testosterone on the
 6
internet unknowns.
 7
 
 
II) The Snowday;
 8
Tobogganing on bikes'
 9
hills, and ducks;
 10
after the path, no
 11
more ducks.
 12
Stomach tickling
 13
confused thighs and
 14
their snowdances.
 15
 
 
III) The Dog;
 16
eating holes,
 17
starving with grass
 18
scarred dishes.
 19
Scarfed mustaches,
 20
and noodle glasses;
 21
if only for
 22
packaged sound effects.
 23
 
 
IV) The Splash;
 24
a one person wave.
 25
Boob signing induced
 26
comas, using pencils
 27
and cubism homework.
 28
You have a baby inside you.
 29
 
 
V) Cell Regeneration;
 30
commence.
 31

20 Nov 07

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10
Inactive (2): 8, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(22 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

The sonics in this poem are excellent.  Feels very imagist, and the surrreal qualities still move toward a theme (at least as I read it).

I only wonder if lines 5-7 work against the overall tone.  "Pouring cholesterol based/testosterone on the/internet unknowns" seems contemporary and self-conscious, sounds a bit like the poetic voice intruding on the poem.

Good schtuff, thanks,
 — mikkirat

why thank you once again mikkirat,
thats twice youve been so supportive.
however, the origins of this poem
suggest that i should keep it this way
at least until i get more crit.
 — EpicPants

Very almost erotic. Nice.
 — eyesaque

Thankyou eyesaque
 — EpicPants

Edit: part III) corrections based on she who inspired this' comments.
 — EpicPants

hmm...
very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

Hah.
How many poems do you favourite in an average login period friend?
 — EpicPants

i might come up with a compilation someday with
all the signatures of all the poets i faved.
: )
 — fractalcore

That might take awhile from what i glanced.
Plus, you have a poem faved, twice?
thats sweet.
 — EpicPants

one cannot fave a poem twice.
: )
 — fractalcore

Nose job.

Look at your page thing.
 — EpicPants

you kidding me? it's impossible.
: )
 — fractalcore

Apparently not.
 — EpicPants

ok. i've already fixed the glitch. the site
crashed the other day, i think. hence the
irregularities.
: )
 — fractalcore

Yeah  I know it crashed.
I myself would have kept it,
because it was pretty badass.
;)
 — EpicPants

yes, this is cooked to my liking. very cool.
 — DeformedLion

Thanks DL
 — EpicPants

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