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Penny's Dropped (revised)
unknown

I've fallen out of like with you;
 1
no longer do I care
 2
to ride our cycles through the woods
 3
in search of teddy bears.
 4
 
 
I've fallen out of like with you;
 5
frustrated by your games
 6
of hockey in that little skirt;
 7
blowing in the winds of change.
 8
 
 
We've fallen
 9
under witches
 10
spells; thrown
 11
money into
 12
wishing wells;
 13
spent aeons
 14
collecting crabs
 15
and shells
 16
but now there's
 17
something I
 18
must tell
 19
 
 
I've fallen out of like with you;
 20
time to remove kid gloves.
 21
I've fallen out of like with you
 22
and landed up in love.
 23

28 Nov 07

Rated 9.7 (8.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9
Inactive (7): 3, 5, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Clever title, excellent poem
 — larrylark

This is sweet and lovely. Well done! My one suggestion: rework the flow of s2 to make it less choppy - say it aloud, the line breaks will suggest themselves, it has such a pleasant internal rhythm.
 — unknown

Thanks, larry and unk. Not sure what to do about s2 as I like how it reads with a wee pause after "games" to allow for the double meaning. Perhaps a bit of punctuation or even a blank line might help the reader? Anyone else agree with unk?
 — unknown

nice wording. sort of lolita, but maybe that's what you want to say. just register and pray, and you'll make out, though not with her i hope. nice rhymes and rhythms, assuredly. a little bend at "frustrated", but it's quick catchable. this is an ordinary kind of verse, and i think it's ok to use dashes and semi-colons in something like this... it's not a modern, moment of doubt, poem. nice saying, you've covered the bases, "exhausted every syllable", as horton said to betty grable. neat if this could be put in a new car to be a crash-test dummy... give it a second life after fame and fortune.
 — joey

AWWWWWW!  This is just so sweet.  This is made to be read aloud, did you do that on purpose?  
 — Isabelle5

corny
 — unknown

Thanks joey( comment still bonging around in my head!) & Isabelle (yep, I like my stuff to read nice), glad you liked.  And ta to you too unk.(corny good corny bad?)  :)
 — unknown

Hot shit, this one is good.  I love it.
Hot diggity dog.  Write more just like it, ok?
 — aforbing

Will do me best, AF, glad you hot diggity'd it. :)
 — unknown

spaced out more + new L8.
 — unknown

am still diddling with Line 8. Any thoughts would be apreciated. cheers :)
 — unknown

gorgeous rhythm in this.. skips along like the kid it is ;)

a very good poem!
 — Mongrol

Wow! That was quick. Ta very much, m, :)
 — unknown

yep, very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

Loved the last stanza, and the surprise.  
 — crimsonkiss

Cheers, frac. Delighted it worked for you, crim. Much appreciate the comment. Thanks :)
 — unknown

comments
 — unknown

This has a lovely flow; it's whimsical but just on the right sight of sentimental....I like it a lot. Very lovely and engaging; beautifully done.

smugzy
 — unknown

bad 1st line
 — unknown

Ta very much smugz - glad it hit the spot. :)

Ta too, unk. You must be incredulous that I went ahead and used it a further three times!!!  I've no regrets, but I can understand folk being very pissed off with this kind of poetry. Cheers :)
 — unknown

excellent! very well done.
 — PaulS

Thanks, Paul. :)
 — unknown

i meant
 — raskolniikov

?^
 — unknown

cute, trite, easy, nice, sweet, cliche, clever, light, jaunty, complete.
 — unknown

Heh! am loving your crit unk. :))
 — unknown

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