they lay together. as the stars flickered into life. and grass prickled skin.
and breathed together. until the sky lightened. and distant suns died.
the grass straightened in the morning mist.
4 Dec 07
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I can't get into the sentence-fragmenty thing.
Also, don't like prickled, or line 3.
I like line 6.
The construction seems like a good idea, but then it just doesn't work out. Sorry.
check a few of outerspace's poems. maybe he does it better.
nice, but 'distant suns died' is cliched
the whole thing is cliche', but the form is live and that makes it interesting. the lamers don't like this cause it's talking about love, and the struggling verse writers don't like it cause its not ironic. that leaves the writers, and we'll just like this for what it doesn't say as much as for how much it over says everything.
What are you doing with so many periods making the reader gasp? Periods are stopping points, not breathing points. They do not help make the poem better. This would be much better without them. It's a very good beginning.
A little cliched, the dying suns, etc. but I like the brevity, the sense of aloneness.