| Friday I Dream Again
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trochee
| like a toothpick picking my dreams | 1 |
making poetry now | 2 |
a reality between | 3 |
Saturdays and Mondays. | 4 |
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There... | 5 |
in the corners of my suitcase | 6 |
are those hours hung on your whispers, | 7 |
pinned with your giggles, | 8 |
sometimes I wear your outworn days | 9 |
on Tuesdays and Wednesdays | 10 |
and douse my mind's eye | 11 |
with the perfume of our tradition- | 12 |
I'd kiss you whenever you had | 13 |
a chocolate milkshake. | 14 |
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Thursdays are ho-hum. | 15 |
(Friday I dream again) | 16 |
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17 Dec 07 |
Rated 9 (8.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 8, 9
Inactive (1): 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I liked the old title better.
Hi Trochee.
— unknown
Hi there.
Did you mean "Chocolates and Milkshakes"?
well it gel with the poem, wha's say?
— trochee
I think so. I also liked l15 before. L16 is better now though.
Love your writing Troch.
— unknown
thnks. that means a lot.
i wish i could know who you were.
although any suggestions on punctuation or line breaks would be a big help.
thnks.
— trochee
nice work trochee. out standing.
i like how loose it is. ho-hum ... leaves me humming, cool word.
— listen
super. however i didnt like line 14 but apart from that, the best i have read today.
— raskolniikov
This is a nice poem.
I read this earlier this morning, troch,
and it seems different in the first stanza now (or I am not remembering correctly), but either way, it is not reading properly to me.
"like a toothpick picking my dreams making poetry now a reality",
I don't understand if it's the grammar, or what is like a toothpick?
forgive me.
I might leave the days of the week singular in the first stanza,
perhaps lose 'those' and 'hung' in L7; ("the hours pinned with your giggles")?
also, 'days' in L9 perhaps"sometimes you are worn out (could have double meaning)?
I loved your poem, so don't be blahhh'd by my comments.
Thursday was my favourite,
and I'm so happy you have her back.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
Thaaank you jen jen.
— trochee
trochee,dude...
toothpick-picking?
maybe if you were writing a
"how much wood coulda woodchuck-chuck" poem,
but I can't believe I didn't "pick" you apart for that sooner!
=-)
— jenakajoffer
Hell yea...
i am getting better =-)
— trochee
I really like the soft sweetness of this.
— unknown
Really Pleasing to read this one...
I can keep reading this again and again ;)
— unknown
hmm
it was okay
the middle part seems to be friday so maybe line 16 becomes overkill especially in light of the title
also 2 words containing z for the middle section would spiffy it up
if you were really brave i'd suggest changing every s in the middle to z or maybe every other one or something equally stupid like that in a similar comparable manner
yeah
— chuckle_s
11-12 seem to indicate short lived acute pain is this what you intended
— chuckle_s
thanks noth you unknowns and mr.chuck.
i should surely dwell on your suggestions.
— trochee
oops forgot to thank listen and raskolniikov.
sorry my bad. blame it on jen ;0
thanks a lot you guys.
— trochee
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