poetry critical

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cretin of a 'Man'
dooks

so the drugs have finally caught up to you.
 1
"big man" left empty and confused.
 2
desperate and craving attention.
 3
 
 
stop fucking pitying yourself
 4
 
 
you make me sick.
 5
leave me feeling agitated and distraught.
 6
while your neediness wears me down.
 7
 
 
i'm tired of our endless routine.
 8
you are broken and ugly inside.
 9

8 Jan 04

Rated 2 (5) by 1 users.
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Inactive (1): 2, 8

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Comments:

Last line is the best one of the whole poem. But, it's not an ending. It just ends, without leaving me feel like you gave us a conclusion.
 — unknown

right. my poem lacks a conclusion because the drama has not yet concluded. *weary*
 — dooks

If it's not ended then why not write about one of the thoughts that has ended with regards to this 'drama'? L7 would be a good start. dkm
 — unknown

This is a journal poem. It's a rant but without a point. Can you give some body and shape to it? We need a beginning, middle and end. Or maybe we don't strictly need one but it would be nice to know why you're upset.

As dkm has suggested, line 7 is a good beginning. What neediness, how is it tearing you down? Quid, can I quote you? "Show us, don't tell us."
 — Isabelle5

is that spelled right? it just looks wrong. nice job here, it should be added to, though. I think there's a LOT to be said here--why limit yourself??
 — aforbing

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