since land's first breath, she's been brought
as the predation of others
never ceased to be indifferent
weak and unsheathed
her pains dictated the monsoons of agony
nestled in the sonata of silence
her pith long been stabbed by scimitars
her pieces now endure the eternity of all
and so i can say, everything
that matters is entirely about her
she's simply the pinnacle of life
19 Dec 07
Rated 8.7 (8.4) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 8, 10
Inactive (4): 4, 6, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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hmm...i love the 2nd stanza a lot.
it could stand alone as the poem.
maybe you should work a little on
the 1st and 3rd.
pain is beautiful but i know
you can afford to smile.
and btw, merry christmas.
did i just give you another 8?
This seems a little trite to me. I think this poem has been written many times before. I'm not a fan of stilted language and this has it. So for me, it didn't work. On the positive side it uses the word 'predation'. Since I'm a man, it's probably not Politically Correct to rate this poem poorly, so I won't.
happy new year, happy mole.
strong 2nd stanza.
Hi xixtas. Thanks for the comment. You may be right when you mentioned that several poems about women were written before...but I wrote this one as how pain influenced my views and feelings as well. It could be that the stand about us (women) is universal. :)
In line 7, I believe it's spelled "scimitars".
Interesting poem and I agree with the rest that the second stanza is fairly strong. Though this poem I've read in other forms before.
A trifle self concious and regarding but enjoyed all the same
lovely 2nd strophe
YuP! Thanks! I stand corrected...it's scimitars, not scimatars. Didn't notice it.
scimitars is a cool strange word.
sounded greek to me till now.
gave you a 10 actually
and faved it this
since you're never bent at
redoing your work aside from
that see(n)-my-(s)tars-eek beauty.
how often does a woman get writ about?
nice to see the oppposite sex get the
attention they so rightfully deserve
i like the start and finish of this poem (1 & 11-12), and i do like the overall idea, i found it refreshing.
However, unlike the others, i'm not so keen on the way this idea is developed in the 2nd stanza. phrases such as 'monsoons of agony', 'sonata of silence', and 'stabbed by scimitars' just yell amateurism, they go with the tradition here of putting two 'cool' sounding words together and fitting them into verse. that whole second stanze feels strained, tired, and over-milked. in terms of language, also, the second stanza does not fit the rest of the poem- it feels like an imposter, like it shouldnt be there.
nice idea though. you've written about something the other poets would not write about, something novel- and on this site, thats no small feat.
i am happy to say that i haven't read "this" poem
i liked it very much.
Thanks jenakajoffer. I just feel that women have always been taken for granted...but without them, the world is boring. :)
Hey fract, I won't redo this poem or else the intensity that it conveys will be gone. Just allow it to reflect what's within me.