poetry critical

online poetry workshop

@las(t): i don't shrug

For hugs and kisses supposedly nil
I crave -- a craving unwanted, unreal;
Pain soon departs as the lady appears,
My heart she captures, I break down to tears.

written 2004

20 Dec 07

Rated 8 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 10

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(205 more poems by this author)

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A.D. or B.C. ? ;)
 — joey

you kiddin' a kid, joey?
: )
 — fractalcore

well, it does have the feeling of longing for the fields of akkadia :)
 — joey

would it be good to live there?
: )
 — fractalcore

after the long craving, breaking down to tears is the natural reaction of a sensitive soul.
i like the use of 'lady' and 'captures'
beautiful, i love it.
 — nisetru

thanks, nisetru.
i love this poem, too.

merry christmas.
: )
 — fractalcore

to live there? nah, too much babel, plus the word processors turn muddy runs when it rains.
 — joey

 — fractalcore

would you recommend
Atlantis in lieu of Akkadia?
 — fractalcore

 — OKcomputer

title: ayn rand reference?
 — unknown

well, sort of.
: )
 — fractalcore

5 (to start)
+2 (for shortness)
+2 (for clever title)
-1 (semicolons)
-3 ("i break down to tears")  
+1 (rhyming nil with unreal)
+1 (feels authentic)
+1 (ee cummings reference)
-1 (backwards phrasing ("My heart she captures")

I'll give it a seven.

Seriously, l4 is a killer for me.
 — xixtas

thanks. xixtas.
happy new year.
: )
 — fractalcore

replaced the semicolon
in |3 with a comma.
: )
 — fractalcore

Yeah, I must be dimwitted because I don't get this poem.
I love the way it reads; the sounds and rythmn are nice,
but I can't read INTO it.

'break down to tears' (the only phrase I find blah).

"8" because it sounds cool, but I don't get it.
 — jenakajoffer

shall i change it to "i weep happ tears." then?
: )
 — fractalcore

i meant "happy".
: )
 — fractalcore

i like that innocent kind of rhyming. was nice to read that with this poem.

clever usage with the first word(s) in the title. i like it when you do that ... pleasantly unconventional.
 — listen

automatic double meaning.
 — listen

I have just begun reading Atlas Shrugged...how odd this would appear....
 — sybarite

listen, sybarite,
thank[s,] ewe[,] guys.

i feel like talking about the book and author
and forgetting all about this post, hehe.

so when are they gonna release the flick?
the fountainhead is a nice movie, by the way.

: )
 — fractalcore

...as I'm only about 10 pages in...and it's a damn big read!...I don't have much of anything to offer in way of discussion...hopefully others will!  

I forgot to mention that I like this little poem very much.  As previously mentioned, extra brownie points for rhyming nil and unreal.
 — sybarite