poetry critical

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is everything alright?

takes on
new density
after your wife
finds you
in the garage,
door closed,
car running.
usually i understand,
show patience,
let her know
it's just a
hangnail day.
sometimes i resent it
want to tear out
a fistful of neurons,
slap them
on the kitchen counter - -
see! see there!
nobody here
looking to
but that's the
for all of us:
we're forced to take
leaps of faith
on god knows what
behind all these
cardboard eyes.
it's the kind of shit
to start wars -
religions -
full of
unnamed fetuses - -
in closed

4 Jan 08

Rated 9.5 (8.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (11): 1, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(5 users consider this poem a favorite)

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i think i've read this before.
nice to meet this gorgeous
piece again.

fave 10, finally.
: )
 — fractalcore

oh the author re-posted it.
: )
 — fractalcore

This is very powerful and I wouldn't change a thing. I read it 3 times and it still packed the same emotional punch. I can very much relate to this kind of craziness....lines 15-18 spot on. Love it.
 — smugzy

Oh, and the title, love it; makes me want to cringe. But it's so right.
 — smugzy

I am so tired of self-indulgent, soul purgings being posted as poetry on this site.
 — unknown

i'm so tired of dumb-ass comments being posted on the poems on this site.

this is quite good. i'm with smugzy...don't change a thing.
 — unknown

yep, don't change a thing.
though i think i read it under
a different title long before.
the author may pls identify himself.
: )
 — fractalcore

i love the last 6 lines and how the ending relates to the beginning
without feeling repetetive.
the title is absolute perfection for the peice.
and smugzy made the absolute perfect comment.
i wish i could understand it like you do though.
 — photobooth

amazing! poems like this make me wish I could read with my eyes closed to get a better mental image.

on my first read the car in the garage gave me the scene from office space but that is just because I've never had visual contact with such an act before, regardless, impeccable, I too ride the band wagon and say "dont change a thing"

nice write
 — TCooks

 — unknown

 — chuckle_s

This hits it
 — larrylark

This poem is 'real', steeped in emotion and weighed down by a worldly background that seems true enough for this to resonate with readers. For it to go beyond the the simple puff, the blow of smoke. But to be the whole damn cigarette.

want to tear out  15
a fistful of neurons,  16
slap them  17
on the kitchen counter  

- but that bit comes off as abstraction. Because it is, and I don't want that here. I want something I can grasp onto and hold. I have no fucking clue as to what a fistful of neurons looks like other than to say it is a silly looking thing. Hardly dramatic at all. But I do get the emotional rawness of that stanza, which I suppose is all we really need.
It's just that the image is a bit of a farce, and that's a shame amidst this quite stunning...or, at least, 'good' poem.

Yes. Captivating and 'real'. nice write. mostly.

 — friedMnoodle


thanks for reading.

justin hyde.
 — unknown

good poem.  melancholy.
 — unknown

gorgeous? i think this poem is just alright. i admire your truth but it could delve a little deeper
 — unknown

This is interesting -- reminds me of a poem posted
in 2006 by fdostoev.  It was entitled "book of honest poems #1 i stole my wife's smile."  
 — unknown

yeah i think i read it before too.
and im the kind of guy who likes the original better.
so instinctively i want to compare.

somehow i think you wont let me (/) prefer not.

i dont think i saw fistful of neurons in the last
or ever.
or since.

the whole thing is severed.
that much comes across.

but looking closer, you could sever more.
you severed severely, but didnt burn off the clingons.
i think this thing could be more sinewy if you got rid of all but sinew.

i started to do it myself for example just now but it got more dense toward the end and i got intimidated.

so i just suggest going through every word and trying to remove it.  there are a few toward the front you dont need.  bravo to v2 and v1.

you packed so much in here.
youre the most fistful!
(of neurons)
 — gnormal

just revisiting, justin.
still a great read.
: )
 — fractalcore

Justin, the screams your name.  It's clear, direct, not apologetic for the snags and snarls.  I know about cardboard eyes, good description.  Lines 34-36 are vivid and heartrending.
 — Isabelle5