poetry critical

online poetry workshop


a line was drawn
across the floor,
in chalk,
when we were children.
now that we are wiser,
having conquered
the territory of concepts abstract,
we draw the same line
on maps
between colours of skin
or eye,
between the way
one lisps or rasps.
each nation separated
by invisible lines
united and divided
in their minds alone.
each man willingly
giving up their freedom
and privacy
like oysters
foolishly opening
to let a hand
peruse their precious pearls.
it's 1984
and we're brainwashed
to be what they want
a boy with a one-oh-one
stares blankly
at the horizon
unable to appreciate
the blueness edging
toward him.
so we went to war:
plato dismissed art,
as do we.
our armies roared to life
each member
uniting under a banner
claiming an identity.
the chalk is washed away now
in the bloodstains,
like a thousand raspberries,
silencing the voices
crushing our art
covering our creativity
in red, red, red.
man cries
for bloodshed
they raise their rasps
into the air,
cutting flesh with sharp teeth,
praising their tools
for undoing all the wrongdoings
in our world.
galileo, wegner, hume
go down in one strike
niggers, fags, and pedos
in another.
by erasing art
we undo ourselves.
a generation of children
stand in the field
staring blankly
unable to cry.

16 Jan 08

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pedos and galileo in the same reference is beyond stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

 — unknown

There are a few phrases/images that I enjoy here but the word "badness" and the galileo stanza definitely need to go. Both left a bad taste in my mouth and not in the good wow-that's-some-vivid-pain kind of way, just bad. To be kind, I won't rate this.

The title and the last 4 lines though - perfect - nice enough that you could condense this to 24 lines ending with those 4 and you'd have a clean work of art.  
 — nakedowl

 — Aziel