poetry critical

online poetry workshop



raspberry
Inuki

a line was drawn
 1
across the floor,
 2
in chalk,
 3
when we were children.
 4
now that we are wiser,
 5
having conquered
 6
the territory of concepts abstract,
 7
we draw the same line
 8
on maps
 9
between colours of skin
 10
or eye,
 11
between the way
 12
one lisps or rasps.
 13
 
 
each nation separated
 14
by invisible lines
 15
united and divided
 16
in their minds alone.
 17
each man willingly
 18
giving up their freedom
 19
and privacy
 20
like oysters
 21
foolishly opening
 22
to let a hand
 23
peruse their precious pearls.
 24
 
 
it's 1984
 25
and we're brainwashed
 26
to be what they want
 27
a boy with a one-oh-one
 28
textbook
 29
stares blankly
 30
at the horizon
 31
unable to appreciate
 32
the blueness edging
 33
toward him.
 34
 
 
so we went to war:
 35
plato dismissed art,
 36
as do we.
 37
our armies roared to life
 38
each member
 39
uniting under a banner
 40
claiming an identity.
 41
 
 
the chalk is washed away now
 42
in the bloodstains,
 43
like a thousand raspberries,
 44
silencing the voices
 45
crushing our art
 46
covering our creativity
 47
in red, red, red.
 48
 
 
man cries
 49
for bloodshed
 50
they raise their rasps
 51
into the air,
 52
cutting flesh with sharp teeth,
 53
praising their tools
 54
for undoing all the wrongdoings
 55
in our world.
 56
 
 
galileo, wegner, hume
 57
go down in one strike
 58
niggers, fags, and pedos
 59
in another.
 60
 
 
by erasing art
 61
we undo ourselves.
 62
 
 
a generation of children
 63
stand in the field
 64
staring blankly
 65
unable to cry.
 66

16 Jan 08

Rated 10 (8.7) by 1 users.
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Comments:

pedos and galileo in the same reference is beyond stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

LOL.
 — unknown

There are a few phrases/images that I enjoy here but the word "badness" and the galileo stanza definitely need to go. Both left a bad taste in my mouth and not in the good wow-that's-some-vivid-pain kind of way, just bad. To be kind, I won't rate this.

The title and the last 4 lines though - perfect - nice enough that you could condense this to 24 lines ending with those 4 and you'd have a clean work of art.  
 — nakedowl

Amazing.
 — Aziel

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