|Letting Your Guard Down
being under fire.
You stay here,
an enchanted lover,
go into war
a righteous follower
a beautiful killer
from hungry tongue.
3 Feb 08
Rated 9 (8.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (12): 3, 5, 5, 5, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(233 more poems by this author)
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i really like the opening and how you play on more than one level, but i feel you dumb it down after line 4, and i'd kind of like more of those smart word moves, which are so smart that they could be a modern dance to a music we haven't heard. you could say the small thing you're trying to say by showing a shadow puppet dance, showing one piece at a time, but shown on the whole thing itself.
Hmmmm...you make me wanna work. I like that though, Joey. I changed the last word to "undermined." Unfounded may not have been the best word choice there. I'll check back for your comments later tonight when I get out of work. Thanks, as always. :-)
I just wish L11 and 12 went like this:
tongue" or something like that.
But yeah, I really liked that opening as well.
Blood-kissed instead of blood-tipped, D.L.? What'cha think? I'm just trying 2 remain somewhat independent and yet implement suggestions too. Thanks 4 yours. :-)
Nope. Your idea is better. I changed it to "blood-tipped" tongue. :-) It just sounds better.
maybe "underground?" Not "undermined"
humm, you corrected this or something and now it's not so interesting to me.
Let the dance begin again. Thanks again, Joey.
Maybe the last line could be more intense, such as "It's like dying of hunger outside of McDonalds." Maybe without the McDonald's...haha I understand this, which amazes me. Human emotion is without age, without gender.
i don't know what the original poem was but this is a really good poem, no tricks, no bull, just comparisons to a single act effectively portrayed. my only hesitance is how you actually feel about "letting your guard down". granted theres allusion to being exhausting and warlike but some people become exhausted then elated from exercise and some people get off on war. it is the whole no pain no gain type of mindset. Not wanting to incorporate personal emotion could be the case, im not bashing the content, just wondering.
7-12 really do it for me. had a great image.
ooooooooooooo yes. this is delicious.
Thanks Isabelle and TCooks for your comments. TCooks, you NAILED it. Isabelle, the only hunger here is the hunger for one's spirit to return after the residual effects that war can have on one's personality after combat. "Letting Your Guard Down" here is two-fold. Thanks 4 reading/rating! Peace. :-)
themolly...THANKyou too! :-)
I think maybe it makes more sense now, but I really liked the water bit in the opening...and you changed my bit, Damn You! nah, its alright.
The symmetry of the fed/fire contrast is very nicely drawn though. Clever and poignant.
D.L. LOL! You're so funny! Nothin' personal, buddy. I value all constructive criticism here and even played with your suggestion. I liked the water part too, but then I liked the "f" sounds in the opening under fire to the ending under-fed better. Have a good night! Thanks 4 checkin' this out. :-)
awesome starr! your writing is always unpredictable and always good! -linda
This is pretty damned powerful stuff. Good work.
i must agree with previous unknown, because you have these really powerful metaphors and ideas well placed. i can't add a single word, or a critique. please know that you got this down, no doubt about that.
I have been reading this through the many changes.
This is the edit I like best.
Love ya, bird man.
Listen, thanks so much for your kind words. A nice comment to wake up to this mornin'. :-) And "S," love u too! It's good to know that others out there pay attention to what u do and how u do it. That's another good feelin' for a Friday mornin' b4 work. Loveu2...Starr :-)
looks and sounds so much better now.
well crafted intensities with imagery that propels the reader to open his eyes and look and look and dare see -- 11 and 12 may be over kill as the piece would stand with 'and return a beautiful killer', but I suppose the echo with 15-17 would not make as many connections with the piece then -- compelling read -- I'm staying here an enchanted Lover and returning as a Beautiful killer -- a haunting music plays behind these alluring allusions -- wow
Fractalcore and Alchemia...thank you both for your kind words. :-)
Look at you, almost # 1!
VERY very good
Thanks Isabelle and Boundfeet. :-) Starr
this is righteous.
something i can really connect with.
Thanks, Jen! As always, you leave me smiling. Glad you can connect with it! :-)
thoght flow is jerky
unknown says "the flow is jerky" and this is embarrassing and unknown should really go to poets.org where stupid comments are the norm. why can't unknown read this as a poem -- read it as musical words without a melody? why can't he get into college? why does his brother not like him? mystery.
Joey, THANKyou! And to everyone else who has seen this poem through its many revisions and who has commented so favorably on it, a warm thanks. I'm honored. Poetry Critical is where it's at. :-) Starr
accurate, not stupid, but if you like poetry with a new focus each stanza, go for it
WTF??? Wasn't this just #1 5 minutes ago?!
the public is fickle
PS none of the ideas get properly developed either
i don't think it cuts it
Thanks 9! Glad u like it! I'm gonna check out more of your stuff today from work. I'm loving your vibe since I read the I-99 piece! :-)