poetry critical

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Letting Your Guard Down

It's like
being under fire.
You stay here,
an enchanted lover,
go into war
a righteous follower
and return,
a beautiful killer
blood leaking
from hungry tongue.
It's like
being under-

3 Feb 08

Rated 9 (8.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (12): 3, 5, 5, 5, 6, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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i really like the opening and how you play on more than one level, but i feel you dumb it down after line 4, and i'd kind of like more of those smart word moves, which are so smart that they could be a modern dance to a music we haven't heard. you could say the small thing you're trying to say by showing a shadow puppet dance, showing one piece at a time, but shown on the whole thing itself.
 — joey

Hmmmm...you make me wanna work.  I like that though, Joey.  I changed the last word to "undermined."  Unfounded may not have been the best word choice there.  I'll check back for your comments later tonight when I get out of work.  Thanks, as always.  :-)
 — starr

 — unknown

I just wish L11 and 12 went like this:
"with blood-tipped
tongue"  or something like that.

But yeah, I really liked that opening as well.
 — DeformedLion

Blood-kissed instead of blood-tipped, D.L.?  What'cha think?  I'm just trying 2 remain somewhat independent and yet implement suggestions too.  Thanks 4 yours.  :-)
 — starr

Nope.  Your idea is better.  I changed it to "blood-tipped" tongue.  :-)  It just sounds better.
 — starr

maybe "underground?"   Not "undermined"
 — unknown

humm, you corrected this or something and now it's not so interesting to me.
 — joey

Let the dance begin again.  Thanks again, Joey.  
 — starr

Maybe the last line could be more intense, such as "It's like dying of hunger outside of McDonalds."  Maybe without the McDonald's...haha  I understand this, which amazes me.  Human emotion is without age, without gender.  
 — Isabelle5

i don't know what the original poem was but this is a really good poem, no tricks, no bull, just comparisons to a single act effectively portrayed. my only hesitance is how you  actually feel about "letting your guard down". granted theres allusion to being exhausting and warlike but some people become exhausted then elated from exercise and some people get off on war. it is the whole no pain no gain type of mindset. Not wanting to incorporate personal emotion could be the case, im not bashing the content, just wondering.

7-12 really do it for me. had a great image.
 — TCooks

ooooooooooooo yes. this is delicious.
 — themolly

Thanks Isabelle and TCooks for your comments.  TCooks, you NAILED it.  Isabelle, the only hunger here is the hunger for one's spirit to return after the residual effects that war can have on one's personality after combat.  "Letting Your Guard Down" here is two-fold.  Thanks 4 reading/rating!  Peace.  :-)
 — starr

themolly...THANKyou too!  :-)  
 — starr

I think maybe it makes more sense now, but I really liked the water bit in the opening...and you changed my bit, Damn You! nah, its alright.

The symmetry of the fed/fire contrast is very nicely drawn though.  Clever and poignant.
 — DeformedLion

D.L.  LOL!  You're so funny!  Nothin' personal, buddy.  I value all constructive criticism here and even played with your suggestion.  I liked the water part too, but then I liked the "f" sounds in the opening under fire to the ending under-fed better.  Have a good night!  Thanks 4 checkin' this out.  :-)
 — starr

awesome starr!  your writing is always unpredictable and always good!  -linda
 — unknown

This is pretty damned powerful stuff.  Good work.
 — unknown

i must agree with previous unknown, because you have these really powerful metaphors and ideas well placed. i can't add a single word, or a critique. please know that you got this down, no doubt about that.
 — listen

I have been reading this through the many changes.
This is the edit I like best.
Love ya, bird man.

 — unknown

Listen, thanks so much for your kind words.  A nice comment to wake up to this mornin'.  :-)  And "S,"  love u too!  It's good to know that others out there pay attention to what u do and how u do it.  That's another good feelin' for a Friday mornin' b4 work.  Loveu2...Starr :-)
 — starr

looks and sounds so much better now.
great poem.
: )
 — fractalcore

well crafted intensities with imagery that propels the reader to open his eyes and look and look and dare see -- 11 and 12 may be over kill as the piece would stand with 'and return a beautiful killer', but I suppose the echo with 15-17 would not make as many connections with the piece then -- compelling read -- I'm staying here an enchanted Lover and returning as a Beautiful killer -- a haunting music plays behind these alluring allusions -- wow
 — AlchemiA

Fractalcore and Alchemia...thank you both for your kind words.  :-)
 — starr

Look at you, almost # 1!
 — Isabelle5

VERY very good
 — BoundFeet

Thanks Isabelle and Boundfeet.  :-)  Starr
 — unknown

 — chuckle_s

Hi Starr,
this is righteous.
something i can really connect with.
nice writing!
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks, Jen!  As always, you leave me smiling.  Glad you can connect with it!  :-)
 — starr

thoght flow is jerky
 — unknown

unknown says "the flow is jerky" and this is embarrassing and unknown should really go to poets.org where stupid comments are the norm. why can't unknown read this as a poem -- read it as musical words without a melody? why can't he get into college? why does his brother not like him? mystery.
 — joey

Joey, THANKyou!  And to everyone else who has seen this poem through its many revisions and who has commented so favorably on it, a warm thanks.  I'm honored.  Poetry Critical is where it's at.  :-)  Starr
 — starr

accurate, not stupid, but if you like poetry with a new focus each stanza, go for it
 — unknown

WTF??? Wasn't this just #1 5 minutes ago?!
 — unknown

the public is fickle
PS  none of the ideas get properly developed either
 — unknown

i don't think it cuts it
 — unknown

 — 9

Thanks 9!  Glad u like it!  I'm gonna check out more of your stuff today from work.  I'm loving your vibe since I read the I-99 piece!  :-)
 — starr