poetry critical

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buddha smiles.
midare

you're a whirlpool
 1
you're upturned soil
 2
stay still for a while
 3
says old buddha
 4
as he watches me fake
 5
sanskrit scriptures
 6
with my pen
 7
 
 
you're forgetting what it was like
 8
to be me
 9
he says
 10
notice you're no longer
 11
sitting lotus
 12
 
 
and instead
 13
sitting restless,
 14
string bracelet
 15
a little tattered
 16
and torn.
 17
 
 
my pen is empty, i said
 18
 
 
aren't we all empty
 19
old buddha yawns
 20
supposedly you're but a dream in my head
 21
and when i wake
 22
you'll be gone.
 23

4 Feb 08

Rated 10 (8.9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (9): 1, 7, 7, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

i don't want a Sanskrit name.
go away Buddha.

nice piece.

...namaste...
: )
 — fractalcore

it's unclear who is voice at end
 — unknown

some buddha. he sounds like a shoe salesman. i'd walk in his shoes anyday, but i don't think i'd buy a pair from him.
 — joey

i entitled a piece I DON'T WANT A
SANSKRIT NAME yesterday. my guru
is bewildered by my arrogance and
we only meet once about every quarter
or so. i'd only yield for my mantra but
he seems not bent on naming me that...
maybe because i didn't ask for it.

i think he likes me though.

middle finger to the Buddha and i love Him.
: )
 — fractalcore

What was that adage, 'If you meet the Buddha in the middle of the road,  kill him', 'cause  you are reflecting some power or other outside of yourself there; the illusion -- Poetry is such an interesting form of undiscovery at times like enlightenment is about lightening up -- stillnesses flow from my pen in tachyon particles going backwards in time, sublime!

This piece strikes a chord and we all learn by faking it first --
 — AlchemiA

To steal enlightenment is the only hopeless hope at this pointless point. But your poem on the other palm does seem to strike a bell, yes.
 — Highwayman

thanks everyone. i feel good after not having posted a poem in over a year. the voice in the end is the buddha speaking. supposedly there are three 'buddha bodies', one of which is 'dreaming' reality as we know it. kind of a weird thought. buddhism is so so interesting.

smile!
midare
 — midare

look who came back enlightened.
good then, the hiatus, i take it.

lovely poem.
have some wee suggests. soon as i have time.
 — varun

right then!
you should be expecting this haha- here goes -

you
are a whirlpool
upturned soil, stay
still for a while says
old buddha- he watches me
fake sankrit scriptures
with my pen

you
are forgetting what it was like
to be
me, he says, notice
you are no longer
sitting lotus

and instead sitting
restless, string
bracelet, a little tattered
and torn.

my pen is empty, i say

are we all not empty
old buddha
yawns, supposedly you
are but a dream in my head
and when i wake
you are gone.



just for some fun ;)

as for the last two lines, i thought it might be interesting to place it in two realms as such, the real and the imaginary; as you used 'wake', i thought it could be a continuous process of him waking and you disappearing - which might hint at the continuous re-birth that buddhism tries to address.... anyway.
good to have you back, and writing.
peace.
 — varun

don't completely re-write other's poems!!!!!
 — unknown

Hi midare. Good to see you posting again.
Good sounds to this.
Don't like the word 'supposedly' though. I think you could delete it and still retain the meaning.
That's my only nit.

Sam
 — unknown

rewriting other's poems is a compliment to the author. it's showing what the reader read, and how the reader thinks and writes. with verun doing it, you ought to see that it's like mozart honoring a little ditty by writing variations on it. be happy. as he says, it's just for some fun, and he's having fun with poetry. poetry is what we do.
 — joey

it is presumptuous, unless he somehow knows what the writer feels
 — unknown

really dumb. the poem is the author. it's a picture of the author's moves, the author's gesture towards word and reader. we can only know each other in a pure way through their creative acts. just knowing them as "kind to me" or "mean to me" is happy-happy, but self-serving. finding anything out is to find it out for you first.
 — joey

for once i agree with joey

f. lyotard
 — unknown

this buddha can't exist without the writer, so Joey's analysis is flawed
 — unknown

quite true, except when the buddha is busy and doesn't want to be disturbed and sends out a signal to sensitive writers to write the buddha as a corn-dog.

arf.
 — joey

nice

old buddha yawns

yes indeedy quite nice
 — chuckle_s

i must apologize for adding to your positive fan mail, but this is really beautiful.
 — listen

I agree with unknown about the voice but you have built an interesting concept here.

Larry ommmmmm Lark
 — larrylark

I mean, I actually like how you can interpret the speaker in more than one way. The ambiguity itself isn't distasteful, so I don't think there's any problem with leaving that up to the reader.
 — unknown

love it=]
 — unknown

we all exist between the signifier and the signified

sigmund signfeld st3ntorian
 — unknown

rewriting a poem the way a reader sees it is one particular form of critique.



saying 'nice job' is not.



this is still supposedly a critique site, right?
 — Rixes

how 'bout, no 'a' in line one. no 'scriptures' in line 6.
suggestions, only.

actually, you might keep 'scriptures'. who knows.
 — Rixes

Love this. Really beautiful. Although I've never tried meditating (too restless, can't sit still!) I can imagine the possibilities of a conversation like this!

Lines 12-14 Perfect

"Supposedly" - worth considering whether you need it or not. It depends whether or not your buddha knows everything or not? Or as I prefer to see it, he knows it all but he's just a big tease....
 — smugzy

Ah yes, I see larrylark's point. I assumed it was buddha speaking at the end, but now I'm not so sure....
 — smugzy

The lack of punctuation makes this extremely challenging to read.  
 — unknown

Two or three suffer
On a ferryboat
When a horse farts.
 — unknown

  a good read with a clear knowing about not knowing

very nice
 — Mongrol

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