|I DON’T WANT A SANSKRIT NAME
you ooze with taboo
from head to toe
makes me wanna
without haste –
my softest part
is my heart is yours –
for your blood and pain
from my long, long
the distance which restrains
which shouldn’t have
who muttered in the rain
with might mustered
on these steadfast thoughts
emerging from the
of my immediate need
for no one else but Diana Jiganie,
7 Feb 08
Rated 10 (7.7) by 2 users.
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i love the no longer dormant dragon, cotton and medicine heart - images.
i love its honesty: lines 18-26
the haste-without haste, without haste-haste oppositions throughout the entire poem
the mysterious entering line
who'd still wanna Sanskrit name?
great love poem.
the "for hastily" in line 6, slogs me in the reading of this -- sets me aside, and i guess it's just that it comes after "without haste", and those two sets want to make an intrusive pair, but the "for" simply seems to join them linearly, one and one. to my ear, anyway. the noble something or another form like,
"we make haste, he hastens" is what forms in my mind, and that might just be my problem. but, something rings wrong in line 6 and softens the poem without giving it softness in the following words.
the flavour of what is without caught on the tongue receptor-buds in all slow and meandering precision
i'm liking what you've posted today quite a bit
nisetru: yes, thank you. those lines are
my personal faves as well. no, i don't
want no Sanskrit name.
joey: thanks. sorry that "for" made it
hard for you to read smoothly. any
chuckle_s: you are a very funny guy.
thanks for reading and liking it/them.
this is lame, but i think i'd drop "for hastily". i don't see it as more than a musical move, and the music in it was a sudden sweet note from another scale, in this well held down modality.
ok. thanks, man.
Great imagery. I like l1-4. And also your description of the heart. The last stanza is also quite amazing. Really, the whole thing is incredible. I could take 30 lines writing everything I liked, but all you'd have to do is look at the poem and that's what I liked!
thank you so much, Porcelain_Lo.
originally 31 lines and i had to trim
it down as joey had a good point
and i felt the same when i started
writing the poem, employing a device
for sonics aside from irony.
line 6 used to be "for hastily" and
i might try putting it back again to
way options. i kinda like it, that line.
this is good.
I got tripped up at the end though..on "thee". I understand why you used it, but I think "you" would've worked better.
Very well thought and executed.
oh....and what's with the title?
hi, BoundFeet. thanks for liking it.
i'd thought about the last line as early
as its writing and decided on its present
appearance. the title is a statement to
two persons, my loved one and my guru,
meaning to accept me the way i am and
simply to not give me a Sanskrit name.
of course, my guru is a really busy indian
guy and even has trouble writing emails,
hehe. he's really good, overall.
unknown, must be my hair thinning fast.
thanks for stopping by.
I almost forgot that even (ideally) powerful creatures have their softest part(s). Well, this poem indeed awakened the dormant me. :)
This comes off as a hot mess bogged down with lack of punctuation and syntax that lacks fluidity as well. I'm sorry. I'd leave this kind of writing to Kanye West.
an honor to have you here, happymole.
there is always a way around certain things
and i often doze off at work.
unknown, i don't know Kanye West but i'm sure
he's a cool guy. i think the title also meant i didn't
want much punctuations on feb 3rd either.
thanks for stopping by.
You don't know Kanye West? I dunno him either. :) But I heard he sang at Grammy's a few days ago....Amy Winehouse by the way got 5 awards. :)
thanks for the info, happymole.
i rarely get bonding time with
my tv these days and don't have
a cable subsciption.
you can keep me posted though.
ok. now i put the original |6 back.
please tell me what difference
the square brackets make.
problem, cause [hastily] is maybe more the cartouche, but it looks like a stage direction that way. just, "for hastily" is brave enough to stand on its own, and it's got sketchers on and can rip out of the reader's put-down. it's still too humpy though, and who wears sketchers anymore?
i'd prefer a pair of Nike ACGs but am no
longer capable of purchasing one and for
that reason i settle for no shoos nor "for
you enjoy hiking?
this poetry is about taboo and risque but it is so uptight
thanks for reading, newslang5.
s it "uptight good" or "uptight bad"?
sorry i keep coming back to this, joey.
how's "as with haste" after |5?
"haste" gets made into an emblem, and it really then needs more of a neutral frame around it to realize it as metapoetic... if you see metapoetic as real... where there are levels you move in and out of, like dimensions, where time has more edge sometimes and motion more, others.
if you really want to show the underlaying geology of this, isolate all the upthrusts and let them needle on each other, isolated from each other, but dangerous.
"steadfast" ( not "mustered", since that one is like a portal into "steadfast", and therefore not emblematic")
these seem to be the structural elements in this poem. check it out and see, cause maybe i'm wrong and it's possible to see this in a different way, as a different set of vectors/patterns moving towards a "you".
i feel that i need to give merit and emphasis to the
significant other by the line i'm proposing. i'm thinking
about attaching a long hyphen to |5 and commence the
next strophe with something like "but/and/as/'coz/for
hastily" as a dent in the surface, icky as it may be.
dangerous, you're right.
maybe all i need is that long hyphen at the end of |5
after all and not another line.
ok, i've decided to leave this piece as it is now.
what do you think, joey?
bumping for comments
and to greet Porcelain_Lo
a belated happy birthday.
still running after 2 years.
iiiiiiiiiii Fractal- you make me sweat with this rendition, O me caught off guard, i am used to reading the fractal-code. :)
Cool poem. Though I tripped on line 11 just a tad. You may be through tinkering with this but I'd like to see that line smoothed-out. Maybe 'as' between 'heart' and 'is'? Otherwise, enjoyed reading.
Del 18-25. The rest is gold, as Sequiturist would say. Outstanding, bogs down in 18, deteriorates to rap by 22, cliche by 25. Stands beautifully without that stanza saving estrangement. Really nice work.
sorry for the very late reply. i didn't realize you
left some comments on this post.
glad i surprised you there somehow. i've missed
you and your poetry around these parts. come back soon.
i know what you mean and i can imagine myself writing
that line the way you envisioned it; i like the emphasis on
my heart, though, in that instance and that's pretty much
the idea behind it. thanks so much for always giving
attention to my attempts at literature.
wow, it's an honor to see your comments here, madam.
sadly, the lines you proposed for deletion bear very vital
elements of the real world onto which this piece is anchored.
although it can stand without those particular lines, the variant
betrays my consciousness that was then shaped and flavored
exactly as it reads on the page now. i guess you can read those
'icky' lines in brackets the next time you're inclined to read this,
hehe. also, i'd love to see Sequiturist's thoughts here. thanks
so much for your crit and appreciation. hope you'll visit my other
posts when you got the time.
Love L1-4--I was definitely on the hook by then.
Like that the "o" and "oo" sounds in the first 6 stanzas were changed to "m" sounds in the final two--like a secret "om" to eastern philosophy.
The flow in this is superb.
9-16 awoke me.
Fracky wack is back.
has anyone ever told you you are amazing? well. here i am. telling you so.
thanks so much for reading.
thanks, but did the lines prior to |9-16
put you to sleep?
thank you, but i'm just like everybody else here
trying his best to live another day thru writing.
it's still a constant struggle for me and i'm only
happy when i'm lucky enough to be able to write
a decent poem.
i'm glad this one met your approval -- maybe you
could point me to your works?
Sanskrit is actualy the origin of all languages.
...aum, i didn't know that...
thanks for the info, NibbanaDued.
Wow Fractal! AWwHOOO