poetry critical

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Thou hast been born for love, immortal Heart!

Thou hast been born for love, immortal Heart!
A queen among thy peasants dost thou go,
thy holy birthright making thee a part
of fantasies that from my longing grow.
Thy words, a royal order to my ears,
and I, a humble faith in them do place
with hope that I may draw your presence near
and touch the beauty of thy fleeting face.
Though mine, and in my body thou doth rest,
a sov'reign nation art thou in thy will.
That awful will! unknown to me at best,
relayed from thee in quiet beatings still.
What order next from thy mouth will proceed?
Thy page awaits thy word on bended knee.

After I finished reading "Ode to a Nightingale," I couldn't get "Thou wast not born for death, Immortal Bird!" out of my head.

8 Feb 08

Rated 8.3 (8.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 5, 5
Inactive (7): 5, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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LOVE IT. Love period language in poetry.  

The only thing I see is "awfull", spelled as it is, it's distracting.

Very well done
 — Estrella

this is lyrical and Romantic Mysticism beats in it -- the Heart forever voyaging, longing its compass, always going home to thee my Love -- to kiss my Love with the same kiss my love  kisses me and in that kiss live an eternity -- Romantic Mysticism has its charm with the lyrical heart beat behind it -- nicely writ
 — AlchemiA

Thanks for the comments and the correction on "awful," I didn't notice it the first time.
 — bgesslo7277

this is great
 — BoundFeet

reminds me of poe...
 — unknown

Thy words, a royal order to my ears,
and I, a humble faith in them do place
with hope that I may draw your presence near
and touch the beauty of thy fleeting face.

good reworking
 — nisetru

very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

its pretty fancy and all that and i guess one should be commended for trying to produce a sonnet but really did you not feel as though it was too easy when you were writing it? i mean with all the inversions and thys and thees and everything it kinda cheapens the affair really. 'sokay, maybe everybody has to do it at some point, sure, myself included. i know that my mother would be impressed with something like this, but she aint into poetry at all. yeah.
its nice in its way
i suppose i might suggest that line 12 is a little awkward -- relayed, quiet beatings... kinda clunky
14 was a nice wrap
the poem title and opening line promised me an energy to which i usually gravitate, and i read your poem 6 times over the last 45 minutes and found naught but matter.
good poem  
 — chuckle_s

What a wonderful idea! How lovely also, to find a more Shakespearean sounding tongue here. It happens so rarely.
 — Amaranth

This is very fresh and different from the writing that usually finds its way here.  I like it.  Hard to believe that people once spoke in this vernacular back in those days.  I'm impressed.  Very beautiful writing (and romantic too.)  Good job!
 — starr

I appreciate your comments. Although it wasn't extremely difficult to write, I do not believe that the relative ease with which it was written at all cheapens its value. It doesn't claim to be anything more than it is.
 — bgesslo7277

Cheapens its value?  Not at all.  It's highly deserving of its status.  I hope you don't think I was saying anything defamatory about your writing.  Your writing's beautiful.  :-)
 — starr

No, that doesn't cheapen it's value. It just means you're a good writer if anything, or were particularly focused at the time. I don't believe "difficulty" has much of anything to do with the value of a poem. Your poem is skillfully written, and that's what matters! Not if it was difficult for you or not. It might have been impossible for someone else. It's all so relative.
 — unknown

A perfectly beautiful write; a poem to be proud of. This is the kind of thing I was just commenting about on The Braxton Job and apparently, I stand corrected. There ARE a few here who appreciate strict form when accompanied by talent and skill with the language (old or new). This is inspiring. A 10.
 — nakedowl

Sorry starr, the cheapened value comment wasn't reffering to your opinion, it referred to another. The first linen wasn't really meant to give erections...
 — bgesslo7277

Also nakedowl, I agree with what you said on "The Braxton Job." I would also like to see a lot more of those types of poems. Established forms present a challenge and acknowledge that great art was created under those guidelines.
 — bgesslo7277

this is great. love it go fact! have tried myself to writi along those lines, got told it was old hymnal lol.
 — darklinstorm

bgesslo...gotcha.  thanks 4 responding.  great poem.  very, very beautiful.  :-)
 — starr