Between me and the big window’s the bed.
The white sheets on which many books I’ve read.
Between the bed and the fence is the snow.
Over this deadly blanket wind does blow.
There in the dark I see my bed’s reflection
Lying outside without a home’s protection.
This luxury there is mixed with the cold.
Ice forms a wall around trash cans so old.
I see myself sleeping on the reflection,
And wonder why some live without protection.
I wrote this poem for school, but I thought it was really nice so I decided to post it somewhere and see what people think :)
10 Feb 08
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umm, what school? and do you really want to know what people think about this if they don't like it? like, wouldn't that make you feel sad or something? it's safer really to post this on a blog page or a poetry page at myspace, cause they're supposed to be share and be friends, and there's no reason to be friends with anyone here unless they buzz on your frequency... but, who wants to live in a hive? somebody will buzz for this one though, so you did the right thing.
this was the wrong place brother...
Well, I don't mind if people don't like it. They can flame it all they want. I don't want people to say "yeah yeah it's nice" just because they are my friends. And also it's nice to talk to people almost anonymously. When they don't know me I'll get their thoughts about my poem, not their thoughts about me. :)
ok, very cool. the problem for me is that the rhymes are too obvious. it's that i don't understand why they're so obvious and what you're doing with them. typically, what we do is build the house from the center outward, and the stuff you're building this with -- the emptiness of trusting your identity to something as flimsy as conventional security, is so overbuilt in the poem... you say all that in the text in a very slamming but ironic way... that the rhymes turn it into a nursery rhyme, but with too much grown-up language... for me at least. in any case, sometimes, like in the trash can's "so old" it just seems like you're trying to make a rhyme because the last stanza had one too. rhymes are good and bright, and i don't think that's the problem ( i did rhyme in "cupid", which is posted here in P.C.), though maybe you might find my use of rhyme distracting too.
Hmm... Well said. I agree that the rhymes might make it less effective. I guess I'm not very confident in wiring without rhyme because then it just sounds like prose... I'll post another poem that I wrote - without rhyme this time.
do you know about "internal rhyme"?
*"between my bed and the big window,
the books i've read, on white sheets..."
Nope, I hadn't. Sounds like a plan! Thanks :)
this is promising. consider joey's suggestions
and your poem will become much better.
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