poetry critical

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Naiad Eve

As daylight fades, you bloom resurrected
upon seals of turquoise and jade,
deep within green velvet water
in the foam and black salt sea-
Your voice of whispers
covers the land with hurled quakes.
In your eyes lie
adulterous shadows,
The sky is scorched by your ashen beauty.
Under Egypt's oasis you lingered,
dressed in lilies and rain,
drenched in silver rivulets,
beneath star-spotted vaults-
Within your hair is hidden forbidden secrets
of murmurous coils, and starfish waves.

10 Feb 08

Rated 9.5 (8.9) by 2 users.
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"in the foam and black salt sea" is nice, as is, to me, "murmurous coils and starfish waves".
 — joey

Thank you. :)
 — Amaranth

Really strong imagery. I like it. I'm not sure what it's about, but that's probably my fault.
 — vik

Is it really that hard to tell what it's about? I don't like to give everything away, that's just no fun, but I didn't think it was vague in that sense.
 — Amaranth

I'm not the greatest reader of poetry. Don't think it's "that hard". I believe that poetry is best when it doesn't specify what it's about. Then people can come up with their own meanings :P
I guess the poem is about a woman... and maybe about sex... but I'm not sure about the details. It's really cool though :)
 — vik

at some point you have to ask about the title.
 — joey

I love the imagery used. It really paints a picture.
And I don't think it's "that hard" either. but part of the fun is being able to put your own twist... never give away the secret meanings. :)
 — Porcelain_Lo

very beautiful
 — themolly

you've a luscious use of symbolic and metaphoric language that makes the mind to ponder the many allusions painted here - there is beauty in the sultry rhythms you've swayed into our dreaming with the many watery tessellations like wavelets dancing throughout -- Nereids were probably the closer allusion to your Poetic vision as the Naiad is of fresh water ways - She is beautiful and dreamy nevertheless and echoes the Venus on the Half Shell
 — AlchemiA

Thank you so much. :)
 — Amaranth

This is very sultry and seductive language, quite beautiful. Adroit.
 — Highwayman

Oh yes. Quite beautiful, I am impressed- this kind of writing seems impossible to me.
 — DeformedLion


that is all.
: )
 — fractalcore

Wow you guys, thank you so very much. You make me feel so good about this. I think I will enter it in a contest or something and see how it does. Thank you so much for your feedback and opinions. They're utterly priceless to me. I love writing. It's such a high, isn't it? Even when everything else is going terribly wrong in my life, if I can write a decent poem that touches people, it makes everything else so insignificant and pale in comparison. Writing good poetry is better than the best sex. Seriously. ;P There is no other feeling on this earth like it. I know I have a long way to go to be the kind of writer I want to be, but this makes me feel so good. :) I'm a little amazed by the response to this really.
 — Amaranth

nice words very nicely chosen and everything but the meter i got into to start quickly vanished and that's too bad. it was very fluid. wavy. this is how i read it:

As daylight fades,
you bloom resurrected  1
upon seals
of turquoise and jade,  2
deep within green
velvet water  3
in the foam
and black salt sea-

i'm not at all suggesting that your linebreaks be changed or anything, just illustrating how i read it. it feels as though 2 beats are missing in 6
etc for the rest of the poem. when i read the lovely ending i feel it as this:

Within your hair
is hidden forbidden
secrets of murmurous coils,

and starfish waves.

again just illustrating how your poem wanted me to read it.
 — chuckle_s

"Writing good poetry is better than the best sex."

well you must not be very good then
 — chuckle_s

Shouldn't the verb in L14 be "are" where secrets is in the plural form?  Very beautiful writing, especially the starfish waves.  I love starfish.  :-)
 — starr

"well you must not be very good then"

Lol It's a figure of speech. I guess I just really love writing. It's a very blissful act for me I'm finding, unlike anything else, even sex. :) They are different kinds of pleasures. :) But one is rarer and more unique.
 — Amaranth

As for meter, chuckle_s.. I don't focus too much on meter yet. I just go with what I feel. I don't consider myself the greatest poet in the world yet at all, that's why I'm surprised by how well this did. I'm trying really hard to get better though and break through more of my own barriers and such.

The first stanza it sounds like you read it pretty close.

The rest I would say it's a little more like this..

Within your hair
is hidden
forbidden secrets
of murmurous coils,
and starfish waves.

I still have a lot to study and learn about meter. I've been focusing on other things up to this point, so usually the meter in my poetry must be more instinctual than intentional. It's not my main focus yet.
 — Amaranth

You do have a good point about the meter though. As I look it over and think about it and what you said, I'm realized there was something "not quite right" about the middle of this poem that I felt before.. Now I realize it's that the meter kind of shifts and stutters a bit there, in the middle. The last stanza seems fine. I'm happy with the imagery and descriptions though. Not sure how I'd go about altering that now.
 — Amaranth

"I'm realizing" I meant..
 — Amaranth

a lot of elegant language....without much substance
 — joshcoops

"a lot of elegant language....without much substance"

Perhaps you just didn't catch the substance or understand the poem then. Because I wrote this to have substance. Last thing I care to write is shallow poetry.
 — Amaranth

I know now why you got that from this though, joshcoops. Too much description and too little action, as my friend pointed out to me. There's substance but it's more implied, and you have to kind of think about it I guess. Because there's too much description and too little action. That's why I think.

I might try to rework this a little still. I don't know. My friend gave me some great input on it and helped me a lot.
 — Amaranth

wow. perfection
 — BoundFeet


expected egypt and l10 gave it to me.

good poem.

 — unknown