poetry critical

online poetry workshop



ADD
sggunal

now that i've broken the eggshell of these wee hours
 1
i seem to have awoken
 2
cascades of lazy hopes
 3
resting
 4
ready to be renascent        reborn
 5
cycles of expanding and
 6
contracting around a daydream
 7
that had been wistful for a night
 8
when it could make a return
 9
 
 
 
 
tragi-comedies  other lives  to travel down
 10
another mind    visiting bigger and better statues
 11
monuments to our history    golden dazzle
 12
metamorphoses    alchemy magic wizard
 13
spaceships  safaris  carnal rhythms
 14
bloodlust
 15
but not as you think
 16
not to hurt but to cut to the source
 17
of universal breath
 18
 
 
that he rapped   that she talked to spirits
 19
that he wrote children's stories    that others still are making
 20
shoelaces for a living in assembly line
 21
factories    for her blue suede shoes
 22
his break dancing  her heart breaking
 23
syringes of liquid bacteria cultures
 24
being split up to understand
 25
what's been inherited from
 26
flagellated cells and
 27
ancestral tadpoles without tails
 28
crawling onto
 29
stagnant silicon sand beaches
 30
crystal water   shifting mountains
 31
seasons changing with moods
 32
moods changing with seasons
 33
orbits being spun
 34
virgin bride with bleeding heart
 35
dominatrix in love with her selfless slave
 36
vulnerable paths  common kinks and links in our chain
 37
philosophers dodging punches
 38
from psychologists
 39
teachers students  tribes   no nations
 40
copilots daring diving stunts   hang-gliding
 41
over absolutes    theories needing
 42
practice    proofs fighting
 43
uncertainties   facts forming
 44
postulates    creation evolving with a
 45
bang    decades being
 46
boxed in   centuries being
 47
cut short   globalized into
 48
tight sphere  tripping without
 49
psychedelics  
 50
onto
 51
 
 
rivers veins and pearls
 52
giants and midgets
 53
beauty and death
 54
all holding hands
 55
and bowing
 56
sending air kisses to
 57
portions of barricaded brain
 58
cheering wildly now
 59
 
 
 
 
something to my mad method
 60
i couldn't put into words
 61
building everests to climb
 62
so l can ever be at rest?
 63
 
 
something to the pieces
 64
of this puzzle that never fit
 65
my inability to filter
 66
and focus
 67
turning me into atlas
 68
feeling burdened
 69
feeling confused
 70
but really feeling the
 71
seductive stretch
 72
in the span of my arms
 73
 
 
or was i straining too much
 74
just a whale
 75
swallowing ocean
 76
after ocean
 77
for a little luscious  plankton
 78
to stick to my baleens?
 79
 
 
these delusions   this silliness   this foolish secret desire
 80
for it all to be grandiose
 81
 
 
coins of infinite face
 82
the dual nature of light
 83
feeling infinitesimal
 84
feeling particulate but
 85
living waves
 86
how frequently can i come
 87
and go?
 88
how will i make a point
 89
when I’m rocking at sea?
 90
mass and energy
 91
transforming at my fingers
 92
 
 
what will i be closer to
 93
once i make link after
 94
senseless link
 95
attempting half-baked arguments
 96
putting little thought
 97
into a little of everything?
 98
 
 
just need a little more time
 99
but even then
 100
would i just move faster
 101
(fast as break of dawn)
 102
so it could all stay the same
 103
so i could be younger than my twin self
 104
trying to grow away from my accelerating frame?
 105
 
 
arrays of questions
 106
in rapid succession
 107
stealing my sleep
 108
begging to be pinned down
 109
tonight
 110
 
 
but i'm lacking still
 111
a little bit of something
 112
before i can take them all the way
 113

It'll be a real poem some day...Comments with ratings are truly appreciated!  Or just comments, really.

11 Feb 08

Rated 10 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (4): 4, 7, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(57 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

10.

I love your wording and your selfless thought process. This is wonderful, however in need of some TLC.

Your breaks could be reworked. And I don't get some of your question marks.
Still I completely felt your situation. This is truthfully amazing
 — BoundFeet

i had trouble following this so i can't review it.
 — joey

Thanks BoundFeet!  Yeah, I will have to work on format.. and probably pare it down.

joey - welcome to my mind heh.  I was trying to capture this weird , scattered path it went down one night...   I appreciate you giving it a shot, and perhaps the fact that it was difficult to follow is review enough.
 — sggunal

i'm not able to join the separate parts of what you're saying in this comment. are you saying that someone got shot?
 — joey

*checks for blood*  No, I think I'm okay.  :)

I was saying:  Thank you for attempting to read the poem.
 — sggunal

thank you. it was nice of you to come.
 — joey

WHY do I like this so much? no offense.

It's not my typical cup of tea, but this is working for me right now.

VERY good
 — tiedtoes

I'm not sure why you like this so much either, but I'm glad you do!  Thanks.
 — sggunal

...and the missing fractalcore...

no wonder.
: )
 — fractalcore

As per the title.
I think it would be hysterical, if you broke off the last line
and extruded
"Oh look, a squirrel!"

Nice poem though. 7.
 — EpicPants

thanks!  :)

i was in bed, so i guess i could do 'hmm my right toe's itching' ...or something like that too.
 — sggunal

0.348s