poetry critical

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On Valentine's Day

He returns the card to its display row
as if letting go a spent balloon.
His eyes did sparkle like a soda drink
before the acid strikes a hungry stomach.
Picking up another one,
he studies it like a pretty face
in a coffee-drinking crowd,
then shakes his head.

14 Feb 08

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (2): 9, 10, 10

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pretty nice rhythm moves in this, especially the counter-turn in line 9.
 — joey

Thanks, Joey. It's a statement on the commercialism of this holiday.
 — JoelJosol

: )
 — fractalcore

I've heard about the commercialism. In fact, I've heard too much. You may as well call it "Valentine's Day Everyday." People are busy, that's life. It's nice to have a day specifically to just focus. I've never been in a relationship on Valentine's day but it's still one of my favorites. I think the commercialism is up to you. You know?
 — slowtesque

yeah, but the poem reads well and knows how to shake its hip when it needs to. The context only serves as a reference point for those who choose to care about 'meaning'- which is only as relevant as the reader I suppose...but yeah, it is well written and that's all I need (sometimes).
 — DeformedLion

slowtesque, it is preferable to have that spirit throughout the year. 364 days to wait for the next one is just too far apart. But that's just me.

DeformedLion and fractalcore, thanks for the read and feedback.
 — JoelJosol

I'm glad he shook it off as those cards cannot have his Heart nor can they speak that uncommon language only the Heart can hear - empty words devoid of meaning - the 2nd strophe showed that wondrously - do you really need the commas in the last strophe when the lines are enjambed by space? nice writing and I had to read it twice --
 — AlchemiA

The comma coinciding with the pause reinforced the pause, AlchemiA. Thanks for the read and feedback.
 — JoelJosol

i agree with joey.
nice one.
 — photobooth

Line 7:  drop the word "up"... it's not needed and detracts from the phrase
Line 10:  make it "coffee-drinking" (hyphenated)
Your last line is all wrong, but I really don't know how you should fix it.
I just know that it seemed to fall apart at the end.
How did he suddenly go to shaking it from his head?  WHAT???
With the exception of the very end, I really like this poem a lot.  I hope you are able to make these edits and fix your ending.  I will look this one up in a week to see if you make any changes to it.  Great start...
 — aforbing

OK, I edited the items mentioned.
 — JoelJosol

Oh... this one deserves a NINE now.  Great job!  Thanks for actually paying attention to your critiques.  I will be sure to check in on your other poems, as it means a lot to me that you are actually interested in perfecting your work and not just in it for ego-stroking.  (That happens just a WEE bit on this site, you know...)
 — aforbing

Thanks, aforbing. Actually, I'm here to refine my writing though sometimes I am a bit slow.
 — JoelJosol