poetry critical

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in my room

Prozo the great,
                      with five thighs
and a Roman snout.
little women would murder him with their
snooty tongues and awkward glances
at his junk.
that's not to say, as to say; is said
that we are not of drugs
are we mr. dali?
who dreamt in paint and sculpted a cemetery
for all the dead statues of this 'verse.
dripped to dry on the groaning line of extraneous
thought. sent a message forewarning god of the
apocalypse...and brought to us the illusion
of insanity.
that was when? dear deirdre...
i have never loved you
and this all but a pastiche of my soul,
but do not eat it. it will burn your tongue.
pass the salt.
this coming thursday I will sit alone in my room,  
prepared to write, let a breeze flow through the window.
in my room, where solitude feels like a curse. in it,
like virginia in the bathtub floating somewhere else.

24 Feb 08

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nice compellingly even tone and interesting, tightly held to the chest. evocative in a tight-handed way -- "here's a word from the envelope". nice feeling for sound here, and an even, melodic, line... nice pairs of sounds: "prozo, five, thigh, snout" is like winding through a desert with trees. this kind of melodic phrasing all through this piece. it feels, as a body whole, like an absorption in a task, and then quickly looking up at us and giving a summation of what might have been the case, if the case were "really" that obvious -- which it probably was, but needn't really be summed, except that you're here, watching me write this poem -- this has that feeling of personal mystery. perhaps i'm just writing about what i like about literature itself, but this piece reminds me of that fine thing. very nice read.
 — joey

wow, deo, i hadn't an idea this was yours. you're really surprising us with these different kind of writings -- it really feels like you're finding writing a very serious thing after all. nice work.
 — joey

Yes, I take my work seriously.

This was a weird piece to write, you know just sitting there writing and then suddenly you wake up and you have a poem sort of winking at you. I was pretty conscious of the last lines though, even if they're just coming from me imagining Woolf drowning in the ocean.
Or maybe I was just trying to write to write smart yet imaginative....actually the writing felt like most of my writing feels like- under water in the bath listening to music and swishing about, sometimes coming up for air.
 — DeformedLion

it's very stylish writing but in the best sense of showing the author's smarts and control over the reader and the material.

by the way, i sounded lamer with "serious" and i was just thinking of your first writings here, when you said you were sort of half in and half out of the game. this feels like writing.
 — joey

good job, DeformedLion.
this is my fave of your works.

write on!
: )
 — fractalcore

thinking about this, well, it's more about showing how language is used as a kind of musical device rather than writing a poem, or being a "poem".
"control over the reader and the material"- is pretty much spot on. Although, that's not to say this is an anatomical textbook showing you where all the pieces fit- its more about aesthetics than narrative. I guess.

thankyou joey and fractalcore.
 — DeformedLion

Great work
 — unknown

oh yes.
this is quite lovely.
one of your best, in my opinion.
here's a 10 for saying junk. =-D
 — jenakajoffer


I must say "junk" is totally Juno inspired. Love that movie.
 — DeformedLion

i don't think i know it.
 — jenakajoffer

like line 11 especially
 — chuckle_s

I don't really know what to say other than wooh. (think owl)
 — CrudeEcstasy

 — joey

yes, see how he's working sex.
 — joey

my apologies, sir. i've made an ass of myself once again. you have a very fine house.
 — joey

shapeshifter, seriously, you need to learn some new words. any comments on the poem then? or are you just here to pass wind. flatulent fuck head fucked.
 — DeformedLion

had to have a laugh when re-visiting this; i did see Juno, and i loved it too.  
 — jenakajoffer