poetry critical

online poetry workshop



social darwinism: the evolution of dual airways
unknown

an aperture
 1
would form
 2
whenever
 3
she became
 4
hostage to
 5
a familiar
 6
cologne.
 7




© A

28 Feb 08

Rated 10 (9.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 8, 10, 10

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(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

nice, neat, concept. probably this is perfect, though perfect ain't what it used to be. actually, "hostage" against "cologne", modulated by "familier" shows nice style... perfect is, as perfect does. maybe it's just that the title isn't neat enough... not as sharp as the poem seems... it's way multi-leveled as a line itself -- lots going on, and all suddenly -- but that's it, maybe -- it's coming into the spotlight With the word "aperture", but not being focused through the aperture and into the poem. it just sits there smiling -- and then the word "familier" kind of proves it... shows its meaning... and i don't think that's at all the meaning of this poem.
 — joey

Great! One of my favorites because I like this simple form, offering a core thought.
 — cowork

joey please unexplain yourself
 — unknown

can you really not understand or is it that it's TMI? it's ok, there's other people here who can share the bar-be-hoo.
 — joey

what do you mean by " i dont think thats at all the meaning etc"

please write as if the stream of stream of consciousness is dried up
 — unknown

well, really, when we write crits here we're also trying to figure out for ourselves what poetry is and how to write it. i write as honestly as i can about a poem and a poem's meaning and style, and that means, i guess, that i have to write in my honest style and not talk down or patronize, because i wouldn't be saying the same thing -- wouldn't catch the subtlties of what i'm understanding the poem to represent. you want us to read your poems on many levels, to take it seriously and put some work in it, no? i don't think "stream of consciousness" is an actual mental event in writing. the word is a convention, a label, used by lit crits and authors to explain what seems unusual as writing, but which is actually just another way of showing a direct and honest presentations of literary experience. reading your poem is a literary experinece for me. not a quick spell check and grammar scan.

maybe if you turn my comment upside down you'll see the general shapes and how i'm using the color "green".
 — joey

green is good

nader
 — unknown

so i haven't bathed for a week.
does an aperture apply?
: )
 — fractalcore

but, boris, the poet is the aperature -- synthetic, as they say nowadays. but, the amount of light let in isn't all -- it's the shape of the glass changing, and the chromatic artifacts -- the tint of green around the blue.
 — joey

would he like my odor?
: )
 — fractalcore

oh, well, for you, frisky boy, it's Köln, germany
 — joey

did you know that Tea Rose smelled like piss?
: )
 — fractalcore

in köln, everything smells so.
 — joey

so you toured there once or you
frequent the place out of boredom
from your own john?
: )
 — fractalcore

never been. i'll never go to dLnd.
 — joey

why not?
: )
 — fractalcore

can't tell it's nasty
 — joey

there's been a big PC rumor about unkownimooses
conspiring against some dude they call Nutsy... or is
it the other way around?

i'm thinking Nutsy's manufactured in Köln with that
distinct scent bound to repel them mooses.
: )
 — fractalcore

i'm so ashamed. netsky's a saint.
 — joey

i think you knew  i meant Nazi, not Netsky.
: )
 — fractalcore

Unfortunately I know someone that this poem describes to a T.
 — unknown

lovelry
 — unknown

thanks
 — unknown

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