|Angels in the Snow
We stepped outside to winter's bite
to white-washed fields, fresh and bright.
through frosty breath she sneaked a peek,
then smiled at me with cherry cheeks
grandpa, before we go,
can we make angels in the snow?
with a laugh
we both fell back on drifted white
flailing limbs with wild delight.
I felt a warmth spread from within;
for a moment I was five again.
sometimes the way a child's voice rings
can soften the hearts of hardened kings.
who would think this children's game
could drive the cold back whence it came?
lessons learned are lessons earned
the lesson here will not be spurned.
any season is grand I know
for making angels in the snow.
2 Mar 08
Rated 10 (8.2) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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I like it very much
umm, to me "sneaked a peak" sounds kind of sexual...which I don't think you want.
How you find that phrase sexual in this context is beyond me.
when i write for my grand-daughter i give her the present of a happy and complete poem and not a sermon about her grand-pa's ethics. you might, say, write her a poem where someone she knows is walking around doing something surprising -- kind of the way you'd tell her a bed time story over several days.
it's not that you've done something odd -- almost everyone here thinks poetry is about advertising their virtues and wants -- it's just that it seems such a wasted thing, that you're a poet and you can't give your grand-daughter a real literature of her own.
Thanks joey--believe it or not I always find something useful in your crits.
i think this is very endearing.
i love the playful, light verse and the images of children in the snow.
when i read line 4, i was stopped by 'with a' and thought it might sound smoother if you pluralized cheeks. i also read 'cherry cheek' at first, which was kind of cute in the cold.
If you punctuate after line 11, then you could remove the stubborn "and" that harshes line 12.
L16, might need a 'from' before 'whence'.
just a few small things that i stumbled on,
still, very nice nostalgic poem,
Thanks for the advice jen---I made some of the suggested changes.
very nice paul
very smooth =-)
DONT LIKE GRANDPA POEMS
this is much nicer without that preface now.
OKcomputer, not all grandpas are good, i suppose.
Thanks fractalcore. I should have left the preface off in the first place.
This is wonderful! You've captured the spirit of grandparenting quite well! Even the rhyme is working. I feel the chill, I have snow down the back of my neck.
You are my kind of grandpa!
This is a very perfect example of poetry at it's finest. No forced rhyme, which I'm thanking god for, haha. ;D
And Joey, this doesn't seem to be him bragging about a grandfather's, but how much he enjoys her company and how she let him see that perhaps being a bitter old man isn't too fun. Take from his example and stop being a bitter old mean buttface loserheadguy.
*bragging about a grandfather's ethics
Thank you, Aziel--for the comment and taking the time to read it.
wow. i cant say that your rhyme scheme really clicks with me but the way that you wrote it... just the way that you describe it makes me miss my grandfather (i didnt know him well).
i like this. thanks for the comment by the way, i appreciate it.
Paul, write me when you have a chance, catch me up on this poem, etc.
Thanks for the comment brokenarrows, much appreciated. Isabelle, thanks for the revisit.
Simple and hallmark-esque, but nice.
"Catch instants, every second a heart beat." L.Ferlinghetti... Paul as usual your simple talent with words and thought amaze me... Poet j.g. smiles
a small short coming... although a year or more ago still you rate a 10
in between your words , i stumble upon thoughts only a poet could bring out in time...
Very well written, a beautiful "feel good" poem.
CryptApoidea, goeszon, ambiguos and Simpa23---thank you all for your kind comments :)
it shouldve ended at 12 after that the poem degenerates into forced rhyme and a moral that is completely unnecessary
line 11 thats what happens to some 5 yearolds who drank too much juice before going outside and not wanting to go through all the trouble of taking all their riggin off
thanks for reading chuckle_s, sorry you didn't like it. I'm not sure what you mean by forced rhymes--i could be wrong, but I don't see any.
hardened kings -- whenever the poem suddenly veers away from its focus - in this case a very simple scene, a very common memory for manymany people - and goes into something out of left field for the sake of rhyme only, i call that forced rhyme. hardened kings? come on now, that is out of left field.
children's game -- dude, i'm from central ontario my entire life, i know about snow angels, and it's not 'a game'. it's just some stupid thing that's fun to do in the snow. i'm calling this forced rhyme.
whence it came -- whence? i'm not so sure this word flies in the unforced-rhyme-due-to-naturally-occurring-syntax airspace. 'yo, Lou, wanna put them boxes whence they came?'
19/20 any season is grand i know for making angels in the snow -- this is an inversion. typical form of forced rhyme.
you know i don't much care one way or the other, i just have to call em as i see em, sometimes. i really liked the poem up to 12, but i think it went too far and dug a tunnel in a huge hill and then the tunnel collapsed and the poor thing suffocated,
I don't find it very original. The ending (13-20) has the meaning of the poem but it breaks the tempo of the poem and is too literal. I'm not a fan of the rhyming style, it's like you wright as if you learned it in the 5-year olds class. Maybe you wanted to do a pantoum?
Nice poem of rhyming couplets, which help with the feel of this happy, cherished moment with one's grandchild