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Reality Vibe
moah384

One step down and three left to go,
 1
Life's a bitch, you reap what you sow,
 2
Mistakes a plenty, Got the scars to show,
 3
An ignoramus, got mountains to know,
 4
Still unknown, None can remember the name,
 5
Heart so cold, Can put ice to shame,
 6
Still at the start, life's more of the same,
 7
Deceit, anger, sadness, It's all a game,
 8
Decisions made, All that remains is action,
 9
All the while,fendin' off the devil's traction,
 10
Bastard's watching me 24/seven,
 11
Trying to put a dent in my road to heaven,
 12
Perhaps life was meant to be hard,
 13
With achievements so little and easy to discard,
 14
A few make it big, top of their game,
 15
Cars, success, and endless fame,
 16
To reach the top, the ultimate sensation,
 17
But at what cost?.. A soul's damnation.?....
 18
Perhaps an unknown angel I'll remain
 19
To be content with dancing in the rain
 20
The little joys are what I would seek
 21
Perhaps then, the future'll seem less bleak......
 22

6 Mar 08

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Comments:

To be content with dancing in the rain, true to us all. Very nice flow, but I'm trying to figure the beat.
 — Andramelach

can't dance to it
 — unknown

Thank you for reading and commenting on the poem.  
 — moah384

The eternal dilemma between being ambitious and being content.
 — unknown

Meaningful, cute and well done, thanks for posting.
 — cowork

i'm interested in this only because the extra beats in the line slow it into slow motion. i'm thinking that it's a transcription of how you thought this out -- which is always, when we're thinking, from a distance -- we're seeing what we see and cautious with our words.

one step down, three to go:
life's a bitch, reap what you sow!

mistakes happen -- scars to show --
complete ignoramus, so much to know.

-- not the wit and topology of yours, but just another way of reading it.
 — joey

To cowork, I'm glad you liked the poem.

To Joey,  Nice spin to it. But, when I wrote this, it was more like somebody finally realizing what his parents and every one around him was telling ...that life basically sucks. Someone, Now, who is obviously alot older, sader, had to make some tough choices, perhaps a hint of redemption.........and seen his dreams flushed down the gutter. Again, I like your approach it .....the preachy......look out. It's probably the version his parents gave him years ago! Thanks for the comment.
 — moah384

well, no. i was wondering if you'd written it or not with a certain self-consciousness of style. i had thought that the way you worded this -- the length of line and how the sounds fit -- forced certain things to be emphasized over others, and i felt this had too many ways of reading -- with too many lumps, i suppose -- and that it might be more formed into the lens of your own sensibility if you'd heard it in another way -- rather than, as you formed it, taking the outlook of the casual reader hearing you say these things -- writing to tell the story, when, in fact it is a poem and has its own power and means of taking the reader into your confidence -- whatever these things you write about -- even if pretty obvious, like a park in winter -- either cold or inviting depending on how it is photographed -- how its thought by the photographer as a bowl of light overflowing or simply leaking away.
 — joey

Yeah, when I first wrote this poem it was meant to have a relatively sad tone, but then I realised that If worded in a certain way, it opens the door to all sorts of interpretations. You can picture someone extremely angry saying these words, someone sad, or someone simply assessing his current status. I left it up to the reader, to interpret it according to his own feelings at the time........
 — moah384

thanks for the reply on my question. when you do the sing-song thing, doo, dee doo, dee, dee doh -- there's really only a couple of moves to make on that -- either "it's supposed to be 'ironnnic" which means "i'm lying about my feelings, usually, and not any great tragic thing of the gods making you eat spinach -- or it means you're looking at this from a "child's innocent" distance, where the kid is just repeating without knowing the implications. the way the thing is worded is what makes it sound angry or sad. a careless reader can read it anyway, but why give them a set of free dishes to put their own cooking on when you can turn the reader into a tunafish and swim the reader off the page and out of the kitchen?
 — joey

take it easy...

i guess.
: )
 — fractalcore

To fractalcore.......I'll try.

To Joey......you've made an excellent point. I'll try to tinker with the idea and maybe post an alternative version of the poem in the near future.
 — moah384

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