poetry critical

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To Rape a Butterfly

And I have often stepped back to times when your
pristine Summer ramblings would captivate me,
if only I could
remember my age.
Antennae bound with duct tape,
my day-old smiles flutter
toward your arrogance where
a Cheshire-grin belies your rage
(which is blue and makes me laugh about
the pill I should’ve taken).
Clean-cut, cross-bound and meringue-centred,
you crumble politely before your
pavlova-spewing mother.
Softly, you gouge at her eyes with
your two best fingers while she
chuckles and I
stand naked in your shadow.
Dual-toned barbeque voices simmer in the air,
definitely beautiful.
Though you never could bring yourself to use a steak knife,
your weapon of choice
was no less hard.
Pinned to your felt wall, I flap my wings but
there is no chaos;
only surgical incisions and clinical order.

I must be wearing my red riding hood now because
you’re six foot and howling.
It’s always you and
our secret, darling;
six foot and howling.

For someone I will never forget.  Thanks...  And fuck you.

7 Mar 08

Rated 6.7 (8.4) by 3 users.
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very very impressive as poetry. i diorama of a private victory. for me, very evocative of temples i've placed najas before. more than this, though, it's simply written the right way. i can't help but feel, though i can't know, that this has taken a lot of thinking and working before you set it down. i wonder, since this is poetry critical and not las vegas, if you might say how many edits this took and what you might have had to cut before it came to final form? not much, i'd think, but which sections gave you difficulty, if i may ask?
 — joey

: )
 — fractalcore

isn't this a nice piece of writing, mr. shape? why not say a few words to make up for mine?
 — joey

rape it again and get closer to the reality...
 — unknown

there were a few things i didn't care for,
probably just personal opinion so i will keep them to myself.
there were many things i did care for
and for the most part i enjoyed this busy, twisted poem.

i don't understand L11.
the footnote is kick-ass and frightful.
 — unknown

sorry that was me, the last unknown ^
 — jenakajoffer

you have some great lines in this poem such as 3-4, 9-10, 14-17 but some just seem too forced like you were searching for a poetic way to say something and that was all such as lines 2,5,8. just let it flow and sometimes less is more you know. You crush your really great lines with ones that are too complex and poetic.
 — Luxy

luxy, stop telling the poet what she wrote! get harmonic and read this as though you'd written it or as though you hadn't ever read a poem before and this was the first one.

snurk. this is really a good poem, and you could spend months just reading this and living with it and learn so much about how each of us writes in the way we have to, but doesn't write completely because the poem is a dialog with the words, not the reader.
 — joey

that's not what Luxy did.
 — unknown

wow. i love the footnote.

this is brilliant
 — tiedtoes

Wow!...Powerful.  The footnote is (as Jen said) "kickass and frightful," indeed.  Though I don't get exactly where you're going with it, I get the jist of it (I think.)  I want to understand more about this, but then again, maybe one just has to use their imagination, for isn't the true potency of poetry found inside the reader's interpretation(s) sometimes?  
 — starr

really strong language. this is so well done.
 — listen

meeting the in-laws in the backyard for a barbecue whilst the lack of relationship is the striking tone yet here you are a beautiful prize to look upon to the Mother with gouged eyes - he did not like his Mother much and probably takes it out on all his women, er, butterfly collection -- so this is a brilliant bit of fucku for making you into a dead prize in his Mothers eyes and how dare you - angry guy with a soft dick what a prick on your butterfly wings - cross bound and a too sweet center makes for a smile that belies his rage - so he put you in a rage cage - you are better off moving on Butterfly Grrl
 — AlchemiA

turns me on

elliot spitzerr
 — unknown

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Joey - I think I've been trying to write this piece for years, it just never came out right before.  I left this for a week before I came back to it and I still like it.  So yes, this is a private victory of sorts... One that was a long time coming.

The main problem was in the re-structuring and organisation.  So I didn't really cut anything significant, apart from a few words here and there.  Lines 14-17 and 20-25 were the most difficult because they came out a little too abstract initially and I thought their meaning needed to be clarified.

Confused Readers - Yes, this poem is about 'something bad'.  You can interpret it as you will (because afterall, that is the spirit of poetry).  But it was originally written, as the title suggests, about rape.  

If you don't understand, it may be because you're not meant to.
 — Dheroan

Disturbing and wonderful...I recognised the space without being sure as to the trigger...it is a hard thing to write about without people being thrown back on their defenses.  You comment makes me wonder about the first draft of the altered lines...  
 — unknown

Shit, this makes me jealous.
If I were to change anything: "if only i could / remember my age" would start the poem. To me, the current first two lines are the weakest.
And I do very much disagree about the footnote; not the chilling part, that it is, but I think it detracts from an outrageously strong poem.
 — unknown

Oh, and the semicolon after chaos should be a comma.
 — unknown

Thanks Unknown.  I hesitate to remove the first two lines of this piece because they actually set the scene for the rest of the poem.  After lines 1-4, everything that follows happened in the past.

It is my understanding that a semi-colon indicates a more definite sentence break than a comma and can be used to separate antithetical clauses.  If this is the case, then I feel that it's use is still acceptable here.  Then again, I'm no English scholar.  

Regardless, punctuation is not what is truly important here.
 — Dheroan

i like lines 16 and 17 in particular.

cheer dheroan, good to see ya.
nice poem.
 — jenakajoffer

Oh but couldn't we get into a heated debate over a (seemingly) flip comment like "punctuation is not what is truly important here" Of course there are more important matters, and I have already expressed my appreciation for this poem and, by association, your talent. But the use of your semicolon is indeed incorrect. The grammatical (boring to most) reason is that a semicolon isn't to be used between unequal phrases. In this case, what comes before is a complete sentence, while what follows isn't. If this poem is an accurate indication of what you can do, then I bow to you. But please think about using every tool available; proper punctuation is on of those tools.
As for the first two lines, that is your decision alone. I think your poem, the strongest lines (which is most of them), set the scene without haste or waste.
 — unknown

'semi-colon' isn't fixed one way or another. it's a traffic marker telling you to come to a rolling stop and then proceed. that's all the punctuation is in a poem -- a suggestion for interpretation; the poet invents the grammar. superficially, the 'only' might exclude the use of semi-colon, but only if semi-colon sometimes didn't function as soft-parenthesis.
 — geckodrome

Poetically, you are correct. Grammatically (I hope you already know) you are not. The poet needs to understand the rules before breaking them, I think.
 — unknown

you should sue Bruno for plagiarism of your ideas
 — unknown

Great, I've been looking for an easy way to millions.  Who's Bruno and what did he plagiarise? ;)
 — Dheroan