poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Counting Sour Grapes Beneath the Fir
fractalcore

...
 1
          went to tree-fir basking
 2
              on piles of leaves
 3
                of olden times –  
 4
 
 
 
 
                the Nth time’s
 5
                     the last
 6
 
 
 
 
                      I hope
 7
 
 
 
 
                  but I wrestle
 8
        with the comfort of decay
 9
         where I’m solidly posed:
 10
 
 
 
 
      all this Emptiness makes up
 11
                       [for]
 12
         all the density of Being –
 13
 
 
 
 
      awake or not is of no purport
 14
            and I sleepwalks[h]it
 15
            oblivious to presents
 16
           or any speciefuck date.
 17
 
 
 
 
        [...five suck, seven hate...]
 18
 
 
 
 
              my boo-duh smile
 19
            is etched in my teeth
 20
            no matter which way
 21
                 my lips curve;
 22
 
 
 
 
             the mouth does not
 23
              make good sense
 24
                      sensed
 25
           when it opens; it does
 26
                 fail at and fall
 27
                     short of
 28
               “tangible antics”,
 29
 
 
 
 
                        [or]
 30
        the so-cold common sense,
 31
 
 
 
 
              “numb[y]er hate”,
 32
 
 
         just one of those troubles
 33
         upon which one stumbles
 34
       for some damn good reason
 35
            no matter the season.
 36
 
 
 
 
                how many times
 37
              has the lying 8 ever
 38
              gotten up to let up?
 39
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                  the Nth time’s
 40
                       the last
 41
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                        I wish                     ...
 42









written a few hours ago

10 Mar 08

Rated 9.7 (7.5) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 4, 4, 5, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(205 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

There are certain times that I share same sentiment. It's quite often actually. Good poem but I still fear numbers, hehe.
 — happymole

oh, thank you so much, happymole.
when we say our days are numbered
we are actually lying to ourselves.

we should not fear death...or numbers.
[but some of us just can't help it, right?]
: )
 — fractalcore

and some people just crave for the
antithesis of Eternity.
: )
 — fractalcore

it's like 33-36 are proving the poem? the line count over the talk of number. all of this said without the word "repetition", like that was the secret coil to the clock, and 33-6 is numbing and you either accept the premiss or fail at math.

nice open flow, like whitman can create, box kites in the air.
 — joey

"numb your hatred" can be proverbial if
practised. and what choice have we when
the antithesis of Eternity is never an option?

ah, such a beautiful place we have and
the math that governs it...
: )
 — fractalcore

i'll come back to this for some necessary edits.
: )
 — fractalcore

that'll be interesting cause i don't see them and my  t-wave machine is at the shop -- there must be stuff hidden in the open spaces?
 — joey

one strophe is now uniformly metered --
the only one, in fact.

just a very minute nit i noticed and fixed.
: )
 — fractalcore

i really like the bracketing move, by the way. for me it brings another level into the poem of simple "reading" without speaking, and is a kind of aside. i came to it in my poetry from classical studies, where a part of a translation is supplied which cannot be rendered directly into english because of the grammar of the original language, or, on another level, because that part of the text is missing.
 — joey

thank you, joey.

those in brackets are really kind of an aside
sporting perfect simple grammar; continuing
the series of one,two,three,four in line 1; and
lending a rhyme to the previous line. sounds
very cliché to me really. i remembered some
all old lines i wrote about 13 years ago and
improvised on them
: )
 — fractalcore

works. how i use it is in "soda springs" and i think "the continental" -- but "continental" really isn't a poem.
 — joey

brilliant poem, i love it, its tone and creativity of language.. I also read it as a sad story, but also as a story of a self dependent and complete person, unspoiled by the society. I gather the Nth choice means indefinite, probability and infinity, terms more appropriate to such a soul.
 — nisetru

thank you so much, nisetru.
everyday is a struggle for me here
and beyond here.

the universe is very beautiful, yes?
: )
 — fractalcore

yes, surely it is so beautiful.
 — nisetru

the universe is indeed beautiful and so is this poem.
 — raskolniikov

thank you so much, rask.

unknowns, thanks for stopping by.
: )
 — fractalcore

1 = Singularity = Unknown
: )
 — fractalcore

incidentally, some lines here were taken from
my conversations with happymole before.
: )
 — fractalcore

L11-13:  TRUE

I never said that our days are numbered...but we're living in a world where not all (supposed to be) Beings have evolved (like you)...and we are left with no choice but to play their game (our way) to help them not only realize but accept the fact that change,numbers and death among others do and do not exist.  But compromise is a must here or else, I'll just see you in Himalayas as an old bearded man (hermit) who remains unspoiled.

By the way, seems to me that nisetru is a big fan of yours, fractalcore.  Just the same with you being a big fan of gnormal.   Well, I'm a big fan of Plumb (her songs speak of me).

You still deserve a 10 for this.
 — happymole

very good observations, happymole.

but i can't say i'm the way you perceive
me. you're quite keen yourself and your
views on life are rather true. it's always
a struggle, unending like  vicious cycle.
some people might have advanced or
evolved faster and better than others but
that doesn't mean the "advanced" ones
really have an edge over the rest.

i'm a big fan of almost everybody here if
you investigate closely...and that includes
you and your poems as well.

thank you so much for your the beauty of
your poetry and your kindness.
: )
 — fractalcore

Hmm...too humble to be proud?  whatever.  "advance" or not, still the same.  They are =.  Learned this view from one of your responses to my comment, "there is no demarkation line between me and you and everything else".  
 — happymole

whatever you say, happymole.
anything or everything at all.
: )
 — fractalcore

Lines 19-22 are my favourite,

good poem, sometimes those little add-ins are annoying, like: "numb[y]er hate"
but, yeah, your style certainly is interesting.
 — DeformedLion

add-ins or minus-outs or numbers
can be annoying and i'm annoyed already.

numb[y]er hate and hug and kiss all those
puking trees and bees...

thanks, DeformedLion.
: )
 — fractalcore

wondrous(ly) writ enamour(ing) the soul in it : in(fin)it
 — AlchemiA

thank you so much, AlchemiA.
: )
 — fractalcore

cool poem-
an interesting take
on the human condition
so it seems...
nice write
 — JKWeb

thanks, JKWebster sir.

i wasn't aware you read this until it
showed up in the uppermost box. i
may not be able to return your very
kind gestures but i'll try at my own
pace.

thanks again.
: )
 — fractalcore

Love the format!!!!!!!
 — laura352

thanks, laura352.

how many laura's have come
before you on here?

; )
 — fractalcore

Recent Best (expand)
    0.358s