poetry critical

online poetry workshop



An Email Home
ClayManire

It was
 1
 
 
A beautiful
 2
Morning here.
 3
 
 
A grey sky and
 4
Limbs of
 5
Ice that meld and
 6
Vie into
 7
Each other.
 8

10 Mar 08

Rated 8.5 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10
Inactive (6): 7, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(48 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

this is kind of campy, in a subtle way -- velcro grips and maybe stings and together with that, melds is what happens in a dance or maybe to a spy in the crowd. ice sticks like ice.
 — joey

I AM ALIVE, too.
: )
 — fractalcore

its shortness, to the point, objectivity sustains its title.
I like it very much
Beauty is in everything. You just proved it.
ps: hi fractalcore :)
 — nisetru

I'm bothered by the caps at the beginning of each line.  Can you change them to fit the sentences?  

Limbs of ice - trees?  Maybe limbs wrapped in ice.  I think using meld and Velcro in one line is too much.  The reader only needs one of those to understand the image being portrayed.

Why so much space between lines 1 and 2?  If this is like a postcard, you'd think it would be closer together, like missing and longer feel.  
 — Isabelle5

hmmm...thanks for he comments, isabelle, most of your concerns will clear up if you read the capital letters, i think
 — ClayManire

Oh, egg on my face!!  I missed that totally!
 — Isabelle5

I should write one - I AM Blind!  

Oh, boy, Aforbing's prophecy came true!  haha-
 — Isabelle5

This is kind of cool, however, I don't believe Velcro is a verb.  It's a brand of material, therefore, it's a proper noun.  Things don't "velcro" into each other.  They adhere like velcro to one another.  Food 4 thought.  
 — unknown

Acrostic e-mail of 'I Am Alive' is much better than the SPAM we always get - we'll send a care package
 — AlchemiA

waitin on that care package...i think my parents actually just thought i was being weird and missed the acrostic element...anyway thanks for the coomments...i chose velcro because i think the "stick-y" branches of the trees poking into the grey vastness of the sky is pretty velcro-like...and meld and velcro are supposed to meld and velcro within themselves as well...if you buy that...but thanks for the suggestions...
 — ClayManire

I think you're trying so hard to show off the "I am alive" message here that your grammatical focus is thrown off.  We're beginning in the past tense with "It was," therefore, I would think that the remaining lines would show action in the past tense as well (Ice that melded...) into each other.  I also would agree that Velcro is a brand name and not a verb.  I think, as Unknown does, that "vanish" would be the better choice here; maybe even veer, but in the past tense (vanished, veered.)  Then, you could keep the first strophe as it is.  Good luck!  :-)
 — starr

thanks for comments....went with present tense, thanks....velcro is a verb, check the OED...i had "vanish" recommended to me about 10 times, i would say that makes it an awful choice for a poem thats supposed to be refreshing, in a sense....

http://dict ionary.oed.com/cgi/entry/50275649?single=1&query_type=word&queryw ord=velcro&first=1&max_to_show=10
 — ClayManire

wow nice poem
 — teddy

god damn acrostic...


better than most I have read though.
 — DeformedLion

good poem
 — stout

0.225s