poetry critical

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The valley below

A warm river flows
in a dark valley below,
Between smooth mountains
to lie out in the sand.
The dark valley's been flooded
much in recent times,
They pray for the good days,
The giant light in the sky.
The mountains start to quake,
Moons collide in a shared sac,
The earth spins for the end of days
and then the calm of night becomes.
The sound of tears fills the heaven skies,
Today god speaks through foul mouthed brats,
The sky attacks the earth with a metal spine
and the river turns bloody red with cries.

11 Mar 08

Rated 8.5 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 7, 10, 10, 10

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i like the war metaphor in lines 15-16.. hehe, i gather the valley, more precisely people inhabiting it were suffering because of the dark skies - rain causing floods, praying for the sun - the giant light to come out.. and what came was war and death, a different, blinding deadly light.
very nice one.
 — nisetru

This poem has actually 2  levels.........One, the obvious deeper level which you've mentioned nisetru, but there is another meaning to the poem. I wonder if anyone got the meaning of the " valley below" and " warm rivers" ????? 10 bucks to the first one who gets it!!!
 — almasree

OMG! If this is what I think this is...................Then its fuckin' genius.
 — unknown

This poem doesn't have anything to do with pregnancy does it?  If it doesn't then I'm chalking my total misconception up to my lack of caffine today and everyone can forget I wrote this!  Other than that I think this poem is very beautifully written!
 — addagirl

no sadly it has nothing to do with pregnancy...........sorry. But good try though.
 — almasree

Come to think of it addagirl.........it could BE a poem about pregnancy. I didn't exactly intend it to be when I wrote it, there was something else in my mind, but it works pretty well with pregnancy too...............Damn.
 — almasree

it's your own poem. don't ask others to tell you what they think it's about.
 — unknown

in the older days, you'd get a lot of flak for the capital letters at the beginning of each fucking line.

this is not a format/style that you will be able to justify.

if you type your poem out in some word processor, at least learn how to format your poem correctly so it is the way you want it.

did you ever think why msword makes each letter at the beginning of a new sentence a capital, even without a stop at the end of the previous one?

goddamn, the brains on this site are just going to hell.
do some fucking homework before you start posting.

welcome to pc.
 — unknown

it's 'flack', try ur msword spell checker
 — addagirl

it's slang. i can type it out just like i want to.

pay attention to what was important in what i said.
 — unknown

you used it as 'publicity'.
i used it as 'criticism'.

buy a dictionary.
 — unknown

it's a personal poem, the reader can leave it typed out just as he/she wants to, but no you're right, it should be the way you'd rather have it, then it would be legitimate poetry and the world would be as it should be
 — addagirl

It's interesting that this poem sparked a debate about capital letters and msword, very interesting. Not the effect intended. But I love how the critics here in PC are willing to question all preconceived notions of what should and what shouldn't be. Again ignore the capital letters and "pay attention to what was important in what i said". I asked people what they thought in case my primary intention was not clear enough in the poem. In that case I'd revise the damn poem. I guess this means I'm officially " welcomed" to PC.
 — almasree

youre welcome wagon fruit basket is in the mail
 — addagirl

you don't sound like you're speaking out of the
valley below. but the poem's doing a good-enough
job or i'm just missing the point.

a rewrite? umm, that or not,
eye leyek It.
: )
 — fractalcore

and welcome to PC, almasree.
: )
 — fractalcore

Glad to be here fractalcore, and Eye think Eye'll be staying a whIle.....
 — almasree

would you consider "becomes" instead
of "returns" in |12? and why the "?" at
the end of |15?

just a thought.
: )
 — fractalcore

Well, the question mark is intended. There is a secret in the metal spine, At the same time its meant to question whether the valley is a real one or a reference to something else, perhaps a "part of the body"?.....and the calm of night returning is a direct indication to the state of things in this particular valley "below".
Again, very happy for your input. If, the poem's meaning doesn't come through, I'll make some changes. Keep I's thoughts coming. -)
 — almasree

"dark valley" is a kind of flat description, rather bland. Especially when its repeated in L5.
This is all sort of larger than life, big metaphor type writing...and, in the end, I don't think it works that well on any level.

That question mark is confusing as well- disrupts the reader.
 — DeformedLion

metal spine could be a very good metaphor for
a streak of lightning breaking the earth on impact
[on a level other than your intended ones] and the the
calm of night becoming will be the much-awaited and
well-deserved tranquility as opposed to the ever
recurring one. let the question mark go and leave
the mystery be.

[personal] pain is a beautiful thing that can compel the poet into
writing a piece like this but your footnote just tells me
otherwise. did you notice why i said you didn't sound
like you were speaking from the valley below? also,
"becomes" jives much better with the adjacent words.

you might also consider taking out the footnote.
again, just a thought, almasree.
: )
 — fractalcore

Thanks fractalcore for the advice. After much "deep" thinking, I decided that you actually made alot of sense. Especially after another reader..."DeformedLion" complained that the question mark was disruptive and that the whole double level thing was confusing at best............
so, I think I'll keep the meaning to the poem a mystery. -)
 — almasree

thank you for your poetry.
: )
 — fractalcore

Well this does contain some nice writing to it even if the imagery (particularly L16, L10) is out-of-focus, and by that I mean you've sort of Mt. Rushmore'd it. Maybe.

Anyway, my main concern now that the footnote is gone is the presence of "They" in L7...who are they? and why do we care? Most disconcerting is that they then just cease to exist. You know?

All those pesky capitals are kind of annoying too...
"Moons collide in a shared sac"...testicles? weird. me not you.

 — DeformedLion

To DeformedLion, I am very grateful for the comments. I fixed up the whole capital letter thing. About "they", I only mentioned them once because I didn't want the focus to be on them but on the situation as a whole. I tried to make it seem that "they" ceased to exist with the coming of stanza 3 and 4.
Testicles....perhaps. Again, thank you for the feedback.
 — almasree

"They" refers to the inhabitants of the valley but at the same time is a reference to the invaders who've made this valley their own. Both pray.....but for entirely different reasons.
 — almasree

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