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as we pull the wings off the dragonflies

the sun speckles thru a
tree, as I watch the sky watch
me, my friend waves from the window
giving me a toothless smile
I squeeze the lighter fluid onto
the charcoal
and he yells into the atmosphere,
I'll be right down,
the days bite at my
as if the beast knows my name.
my friend passes me the
plate of meat: chicken, sausages,
hamburger and a slab
of ribs
I toss it all on top of the grill
and listen to the sizzles,
we talk for awhile about the
war, the bad economy,
our kids in distress
and the heaviness
of displacement.
he pauses and I wonder if
he knows how many times
I could have screwed his wife

12 Mar 08

Rated 10 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (5): 6, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10

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omg.. first i thought it's a poem about small kids, calling each other to play, then realized it's about men enjoying a barbecue )i love the lines where that is described), to realize then it's about two old friends - the last two lines are both funny and intriguing, even if it's just on the thought level, how amazing, disturbing, pondering, incontrollable, you name it, a human mind can be.. also discussing friendship and attraction
 — nisetru

HA, I really enjoyed this poem, very creative and so honest it hits the mark dead center, a great write.
 — addagirl

Boy, this isn't Mr Rogers Neighborhood, is it?  Honest and red-in-the-center raw writing.
 — Isabelle5

Great slice of life.  The ending is great..and the part about the beast is what I think is intriguing..it transports the poem to another level. I like this, but I think it needs an edit.

This is my suggestion...change the breaks, and a couple of words, cut  a couple words.

Anyway for what it's worth..maybe something like this:

the sun speckles through a  tree, as
I watch the sky watch me,
my friend waves from the window  
sporting a toothless smile  

I squeeze the lighter fluid onto  
the charcoal  
and he yells into the atmosphere,  
I'll be right down  

  the days bite at my consciousness  
  as if the beast knows my name.  

he passes me the plate of meat:
chicken, sausages, hamburger,
a slab  of ribs  

I toss on the grill, it sizzles as  
we talk for awhile about the  war,
the bad economy,  
our kids in distress.  
the heaviness of displacement  

  he pauses and I wonder if  
  he knows how many times  
  I could have screwed his wife
 — Luna

maybe even indent those 2 stanzas even a bit more.
 — Luna

thanks for your comments and suggestions, very helpful
 — gjenkins

Hi Man

This is a big hit' exploring as it does in a deep and meaningful way, against a back ground of one of the iconic images of middle and lower American cultural life, the deep and distorted relationship between male testosterone and friendships.

Larry the bonds of friendship Lark
 — larrylark

Some fine tuning to detail would be in store here and I mean that in the most complimentary way.  This is such a good, sneaky little poem.  Do you mean the sun speckles or the sunLIGHT speckles through the tree?  And does it speckle through the tree or through the top of the tree (the part where all the leaves are?)
Can you also describe why your friend's smile is toothless?  Does he not have any teeth?  L8 "I'll be right down" should be in quotes where you're quoting someone directly.  In L11 who or what is "the beast" you speak of?  Also, in L5 where you're squeezing the lighter fluid onto the charcoal and in L17 listening to the sizzles, why not end with an explosion of flame after L25's self-directed question; some sort of guilty little fire that rages only within yourself?  Just food for thought.  This is quite the juicy little morsel and I love it.  It's excellent.  With a little more attention to detail and color, you could easily reach the #1 Top Rated position.  Very sneaky and good!  I salute your artistic excellence here and hope you'll come back and revise this in some way.  For now, it's a 9 for all this stuff that's floating around inside your brain that your friend has no clue about.  I won't tell.  :-)      
 — starr

wow, man.
: )
 — fractalcore

nice poem.  i like feeling like i'm reading someone's mind.  the way you've written this is like that.  very good.  love those strong impressionable endings.
 — jenakajoffer