poetry critical

online poetry workshop

at the Maui airport

five in the morning:
i tuck my boarding pass
underneath a pillow
and try to get comfortable on the floor
next to someone else's carry-on luggage.
i count the noises like sheep:
one middle-aged man snoring
two jetplanes roaring
muffled cellphone mutters
greasy ghosts sigh to sweethearts -
we are prisoners of war
     (pacing and playing cards)
until the rain lets up.
at dawn an invisible voice
will jar us from semi-sleep
any unattended baggage
will be confiscated."
i stand with my coincidental comrades
and try to shrug frustration from my shoulders
to be retrieved later
by some unsuspecting official.
we trudge
     (bemused and bewildered Seattlites
     in foreign storms)
to starbucks, for scones and
double-tall nonfat hazelnut lattes.
in a moment
i will try to find meaning
in these thirteen hours
a misplaced suburban miracle or two.
i make the quiet corridor
the setting of a story:
a place and a moment
when two lovers meet,
smoking cigarettes,
watching palm trees drip.
the rain still falls.
we don't know it yet,
but in Honolulu the sun is shining.
at home, we hear, it is snowing.

18 Jan 04

Rated 8.5 (9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10
Inactive (7): 4, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(6 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


This is beautiful, and I love the language, but I'm not sure I understand it fully. I'm kind of confused by the military terminology in lines 12-24. Lines 2-5 seem to have too many short words. It seems that part should be denser. I love "Seattlites" and palm trees dripping. Beautiful, beautiful.
 — Ananke

it sounds liek you felt like writing a poem,
but you (frustratingly perhaps) didnt have anything to say.
but you wrote it anyway.
 — unknown

unknown - sounds like you felt like writing a comment, didn't have anything constructive to say but wrote it anyway. This is, as Ananke says, beautiful.
 — unknown

Line 43, do you mean AT home? Not bad... nothing too exciting, either.
 — aforbing

gosh, i could really go for some pizza, anyone know any good pizza places

how come everyone like hazelnut so much? at our store all peaople seem to drink is regualr, french vanilla, hazelnut and irish creame; i started drinking tea more...
I go to the coffee bean in El Cajon at the mall and get a
Dragon Pheonix Pearl Latte you should try it (yummy)

You know I've been to Hawaii...

 — kronah

"in a moment i will try to give meaning to these thirteen hours"

excellent, thank you for putting words to the experience.  i love the structure and the simplicity.

it kinda reminds me of punch-drunk love, when adam sandler meets the girl in hawaii.
 — root

Awesome piece.  I would recommend changing the punctuation in your ending.  Maybe line 42 could end with ... or a shining--
                                            at home, we hear, it is snowing.
Just a thought.  Nice job here.  I can picture it, totally.
 — aforbing

i was also in maui in january04. is your name ian?
 — unknown

Man! Where oh where has this poet gone?
 — grneyeddevil

this is great! so creative and new. i had a similar airport experience yesterday. definitely can relate.
 — Anachocolata