poetry critical

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Seven Months From Yesterday
madderhatter

Turbulent as the gale tears and rips
 1
this verb weighing influence grins,
 2
shaded in satin expectancy.
 3
These cornerstones of my confidence
 4
go crumbly in corroded rust framed wedge heels; a white dress cave-in,
 5
a red apron meltdown.
 6
My de-virgin-iced intent; absolute-ly.
 7
 
 
We itch our knuckles raw for seven months more, till the un-undoable
 8
takes a trip, slip
 9
fall,  from the calendar, twined in ribbon, steampressed
 10
vowed.
 11

18 Mar 08

Rated 9.5 (7.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10
Inactive (14): 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Heavy stuff..love the alliteration and the interesting choice of words.
A couple of suggestions...

L4: instead of 'go crumbly' try 'crumbles'
L7: 'scratch' instead of 'itch'
 — unknown

Wow. This superb. My mind took this and went gleefully along to awe. Very very nice.
 — unknown

Just wow. Wow.
 — themolly

Thank you molly.
 — madderhatter

Grrrrreeeeaaaatttt
ass-fucker.
Mm
 — unknown

I am angry, because all your poetry is about me. You are getting into my brain, my life and ridiculing me. I am NOT jealous... I'm not... I AM NOT jealous of your poetry. I'm just mad because you see into my life and you blame everything on me and you reach in and touch all of my underwear, one-by-one. It stresses me that you keep criticizing me and eating my chocolate. Stop sucking my creativity and licking my SOUL!
 — unknown

yeah, nice word play...seems obscure, or oblique or something but does it in a fun way...enticing. Makes me feel as if I am getting more than what I came for....

Is L6 referencing Vodka (absolut)...as well as a loss of virginity? Anyway, that's what I am getting. Like the parallel if it isn't intentional.
 — DeformedLion

..."parallel (even) if..."

I like "go crumbly".
L2 is great.
whatever.
 — DeformedLion

Lion-

It wasn't intentional, but I noticed it after and played it up.
Thanks for the kind words.
 — madderhatter

Sick, its just so sick.
 — unknown

don't blame me for your mistakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

holy shit. amazing
 — unknown

wonderful
 — unknown

Oooh...Right on.  Great writing.  :-)
 — starr

oh, very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

The first sentence: wtf? The first part is a mere fragment. Semicolons are not used that way. I guess you do that and then hurl nonsense descriptors because you fancy yourself a poet, but poets communicate, and I find nothing in there.
The second sentence is a little better, but you’re still going way overboard with the adjectives. Corrosion and rust is the same thing. Hyphenating white-dress and red-apron might help.
If this made me feel something, anything, I wouldn’t mind that I haven’t a clue as to what you are going on about. But, sadly, it just seems like an exercise in contrivance.
 — unknown

Maybe I think in fragments. There is no law against that. And you know, I don't really know, how semicolons are used. It was never really covered in my early years of English classes. It was taught towards the end of high school, by that time, it was really hard to nail down and change my ways. So, maybe its wrong.

And honestly, I don't 'fancy' myself a poet. I call it as I see it. I've made no pompous claims to greatness, and on that note, surely not by a semi colon.

There is more than one definition for 'corrode'. My point was to emphasize the falling apart of the ground you stand on.

And if this is a bout of contrivance, I guess the other 98 poems I've written, in the same form, are just here as a scheme too.

Why can't words just speak for themselves.
 — madderhatter

They do when put in a coherent sequence. I shouldn't have said fancy, I'm sorry. I understand how that could put you in a defensive frame of mind. Instead of saying "Oh well, that's just the way I am," consider what it might mean for your writing if you were to be more honest in your approach.
 — unknown

Last unknown: what in the bloody hell are you talking about? Perfectly punctuated writing can still be perfect crap. Honesty is most likely to be "perceived" when it is present. I don't mean that poems have to be true, but there should be some truth to be found in them. Your truth and mine won't be exactly the same, but that doesn't matter.
 — unknown

So you're saying that you're not the author, and that this collection of words means something to you? Wow. Okay. I stand corrected.
 — unknown

Oh children...
 — unknown

pussy cockeaters.
 — unknown

this poem is steampressed but the stain remains...
 — unknown

I like the way you play with syntax, with alliteration, with simple and subtle rhymes, with ideas, and with images... you do not write in linear fashion, but your images and your flow take the reader forward really very nicely ... i really really love your last stanza.  This style of writing is very  difficult to do well.  You do it well.   A pleasure to read, this was.  
 — MoquiTakoda

i liked this from line 3.  the first part didn't do anything for me.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

What does it mean to you, Moqui Takoda?
 — unknown

Wow, just wow; wonderful; and other like comments, are worthless without an understanding of what makes it so. It's just so much oohing and ahing over the emperor's new clothes. I would give a critique, but from what I've seen, it would be worse than ignored, I would be called a bad reader. A bad reader is one who has no real understanding of what makes a poem rock or suck. But I guess this author prefers hollow praise?
 — unknown

Hollow praise.
no, not at all really. Just haven't really received one good constructive criticism remark.
 — madderhatter

If someone says something you don’t want to hear, it’s not constructive? Moqui Takoda was as vague as your poem. No small task I might add. He merely listed poetic devices that can be found in the above writing. That is not constructive. Those devices are of no value if you are not actually saying something that has some hope of being understood. You are using smoke-and-mirrors. I am not trying to be mean. I’m sure that you will write poems of some substance, once you start giving more attention to harsher reviews than you do to your less than knowledgeable fans. I'll leave you to them now.
 — unknown

I was pretty specific why i liked the poem.  I am not obliged to give you a bunch of unnecessary criticism.  Your poem is fine.  I like it.  If you are looking for something else, I am sure the ignorant asshole Joey can help you out.  
 — MoquiTakoda

Joey needs a big dog to relax him and .... well, anyhow, for some reason he thinks about me a lot more than I think about him, sort of like a small rat that can't find a mate and is confused about interspecie type dating.... don't know what his problem is but he is not really one himself, just likes to think he is.  
 — MoquiTakoda

Well, I am not joey. I think that he avoids the unknown function.
I know you must think that I am a pompous ass, as joey can be, but what you can't take away from him is that he is very knowledgeable. He has helped make a couple of my poems much better.
Your "specifics" unfortunately show no understanding of what the poem says. As I said, it merely cites the use of poetic device. Tell us what it means to you. Since you hold it in such high regard, it must mean something, right?
 — unknown

DRAMA
 — unknown

love

'a white dress cave-in, a red apron meltdown'

great images
 — Mongrol

I really like this! So creative
 — unknown

i feel like there should be a dash between verb and weighing in line 2.

or maybe not, but that choice of words confuses me.
all in all, i like one month better than this one. granted i read the other first, but it seems much more confident about what it's saying. maybe that's the point...
 — mould_jesus

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