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the pleiades
alana

the hill tumbled in close while
 1
i sat on the railing; and i watched you,
 2
but the dark sky proved very little about
 3
the size of your eyes.
 4
“who are you?” was what i wanted to say.
 5
instead i told you about the Pleiades
 6
and tried to measure
 7
and tried to find the star that doesn’t move,
 8
or tried to be it,
 9
and find assurance,
 10
and went tripping down,
 11
unaffected by caution, by wariness
 12
of briars and rusty pins…
 13
yet i didn’t exactly leave you.
 14
“is that orion?” i asked you.
 15
“yes, look,” you said.  “that’s his belt.”
 16
“then what’s that? is that…”
 17
“no, i think it’s part of his leg.”
 18
 
 
actually, we were silent.
 19
you did wonder briefly why beetlejuice is red.
 20
“mars,” i said.
 21
i kept my hands and my exotic fantasies
 22
entirely to myself.
 23
and really i didn’t know.
 24

23 Mar 08

Rated 10 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (9): 4, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Really nice.
 — tiedtoes

this is f*ing brilliant.
 — amaviena

p.s. the punctuation and the breaks and the words and the repitition and the grammar all make me love this more. I'm coming back to this when I'm done festering over how much I liked it the first time.
 — amaviena

Incredible. This seems so familiar. Is this a repost? Love this. Who are you? I love the first part, and the bit about the size of the eyes. Super!
 — themolly

thank you
 — alana

super write.
i do have a few wee suggestions if you are keen.

thanks.
 — varun

very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

mediocre
 — unknown

i really enjoyed this.

think about adding 'his--' after 'that' in l 17
 — iamswanson

i think by having him (or her for that matter) cut the other off it would add some extra tension

just a thought!
 — iamswanson

I agree with much of the rest - this poem has depth.

a line-break recommendation:
"the hill tumbled in close
while i sat on the railing
and watched you,"

I also suggest cutting out many things:
|2's "and"
|3's "very"
|4's "was what"
|12's "unaffected by caution" (you can replace all 3 with one word, I'm sure)
|15's "you"
|22's "exotic" (try something more visceral)

otherwise, uncapitalize the pleiades (or capitalize orion and other things)
keep it up.
 — Virgil

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