poetry critical

online poetry workshop



the personalities of an I-beam
unknown

the personalities of an I-beam,
 1
souls of ketchup,
 2
voices like glass eyes - -
 3
 
 
the people of my country
 4
are enslaved
 5
and they don't even realize it.
 6
 
 
i blame the
 7
supercilious eye of
 8
science -
 9
 
 
the twenty-first century
 10
effluvial dogma
 11
for the masses.
 12
 
 
we've successfully
 13
killed off god and
 14
replaced him with syllogism
 15
 
 
but forgot about soul.
 16
 
 
science explains the
 17
atomic structure
 18
of your heart,
 19
 
 
the physiology
 20
of its muscle tissue,
 21
 
 
the pathways of energy
 22
keeping it going.
 23
 
 
but it does not
 24
and cannot explain
 25
the spark
 26
that set it beating,
 27
 
 
the day and time
 28
it will stop,
 29
 
 
and more importantly
 30
how you should live life
 31
in between.
 32
 
 
we need someone
 33
to emerge out of this
 34
postmordial ooze
 35
and turn the microscope
 36
back on science,
 37
 
 
we need voltaire
 38
and socrates - -
 39
 
 
someone to give fire
 40
to the flesh,
 41
 
 
color and life
 42
back to the blood,
 43
 
 
a reason to
 44
get out of our cars
 45
drop the cell phones
 46
and start
 47
looking each other
 48
in the eye.
 49

25 Mar 08

Rated 9 (8.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (8): 1, 6, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

looks like fractal core's work
 — unknown

no it doesn't.
 — DeformedLion

amaviena definitely
 — unknown

thanks for reading...

i think the end needs a little more pop.

justin.
 — unknown

i absolutely love this one
 — nisetru

n,

thanks for reading.

j.
 — unknown

ey, justin! this is another one of your gems.
i'm flattered to be mistaken for you, man.

you did a good job on this one.
: )
 — fractalcore

oh btw, you're one othe great poets i paid
tribute to in one of my latest attempts at poetry.
thank you for your excellent writings.
: )
 — fractalcore

f,

thanks for reading and the kind words.

j.
 — unknown

this is obvious.

the problem with justin's philosophy is he actually thinks there was a state when we were free.

each historical period has come up with the same questions. each period has it's own way of enslaving the populace.

technology, science are the  secular gods for some these days but no grand theory can ever explain one's personal life questions.

this will always be the issue most likely unless science etc could make us live forever. then these grand questions will be made less relevant.



st3nt
 — unknown

I have a style to compare to?
I'm flattered, surely.

justin,
you're a celebrity.
that must make your stomach turn.
-a

(political freedom has nothing to do with personal freedom. we are dead. where are the revolutionaries we ache for? in the oil probably.)
 — amaviena

a,
st,

thanks for reading.

st: "the problem with justin's philosophy is he actually thinks there was a state when we were free."  my philosophy is nowhere near that Pollyanna. we could parse the operational definition of ‘free’ Ad infinitum - - but we are not free, never have been…  but now that religion is flotsam and jetsam, the herd does not have a source of moral bearing… what, in my opinion, the united states in particular – could use is some sort of secular rubric for what they should be doing with their lives, I am not the one to give it to them.

“each historical period has come up with the same questions. each period has it's own way of enslaving the populace.”  that is obvious, painfully superfluous.

“no grand theory can ever explain one's personal life questions.”  I agree with you there… and thus enter the existentialists, each of us a universe creating reality…

“science etc could make us live forever. then these grand questions will be made less relevant.”  if science ever makes us live forever each and every one of us will find a way to commit suicide at some point.

a: there might yet be a Voltaire setting his feet.

j
 — unknown

have you ever been to other countries outside of usa to see that non americans are not in a frenzy over a lack of religious presence in their life or desperate for a source of direction?

st3nt
 — unknown

obama will save us from

ourselves
 — unknown

I like this. I like the debate it has opened up too.

I take on board st3nt's point about other countries. But he/she can only speak for him/herself, not for all the other countries outside of the US. Show me the individual who isn't in need of some sort of guidance or direction in life? These are unique times, in spite of the fact that there are echoes with the past. No-one, regardless of where they live, can remain complacent about the speed of change - some things being lost need to be held on to or reinvented, and quickly!

Keep writing like this justin. Your passionate point of view is appreciated.
 — smugzy

this seems pedantic, and not much like poetry to me. i'm probably missing something but I'm not spending more of my time reading it again. Science has done a far better job of explaining the spark of life than religion. Amoebas and viruses are alive too. Religion is silent on the subject of their life. this seems to be written by someone who fundamentally misunderstands science.
 — unknown

this is a simplistic poem from a mindset that has little sense of how stupid humans have been whether in the company of science or not.

it is not as if pre enlightenment humans were any more better.  the fact is the prescription for how we live our lives is debatable and will continue to be so.
 — unknown

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