poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Mommy's Dawn

The river floods with starfish and
everything is still,
a manacle, a prayer
two kids clap their hands.
A house with sparkling windows and
toys littering the lawn;
mommy has rolled over
rolling for the dawn.
And winter comes like a face
blowing through cloud breath.
And everything is quiet,
so safe, so still, so warm.
This place where dreams collect
and dance on the edge of mommy's dawn.

better than some and worse than others. this poem is for nisetru, who sees too much beauty everywhere, and for jen who secretly wishes she wrote this.

and for j.c. who is a superstar but thinks i can ride my bike into the sky.
for unknown who is pregnant with bullshit and all unknown truths.
for fractalcore who believes in coincidences, whereas, i can hardly spell the word.

and for wendz who loves my writing style.

6 Apr 08

Rated 10 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 7, 7, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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very soft, made me smile. good last stanza
hurray for such mommies.
 — nisetru

wow, this is quite bad actually.  
i'm sorry to be so frank, and i know you won't appreciate my honesty,
but it's all i have at the moment.

i was so very optimistic because of the beautiful title,
and even gave it a third read hoping that i could love it,
but i am disappointed, it's a sad mistake-
mommy deserves so much more.
 — jenakajoffer

hmm, i think i would have said mediocre. totally mediocre. all hail mediocre!
ok bad.

i appreciate it jen...in fact i am quite pleased. this piece is a direction change for me, i guess, and i don't like that direction so i think i'll take a u-turn and come home.
 — DeformedLion

come home DL!! come home!
 — joshcoops

ha, linus you're funny.

my biggest hate-on for this poem
is the starfish in the river, wtf?
the next worst thing is the word "kids"
and following that
are the painful lines 9 & 10.

(but you knew that).
 — unknown

what a coincidence. i just suggested "MOMMY!!!" for
a title to someone else's poem. i have no problem
with this one. not that bad at all for an experiment, hehe.
: )
 — fractalcore

It isn't a sad poem? why would you call it a sad poem?
 — DeformedLion

Oh yeah, my thinking on starfish- at the time- was at night, the stars reflected on the rivers surface, sort of rippling, sort of swimming. And thus they become starfish, as day turns to night...
it works in my head but is quite the stretch to people with normal-type heads.

I am sort of trying to work out a sequel to this where I can make fun of myself.
 — DeformedLion

I love your writing style.
 — wendz

strangely, someone stole my bike when i was way
smaller than i am now. i've been scaling the skies
since then without it and will need a 10-layer baby
diaper more than this parachute.

sometimes i find fractalcore in my footnote, too.
what a coincidence.
: )
 — fractalcore

haha, starfish...
you know, it really only suffers from L10.
i am happy you experimented and did not take offense to my "bad" crit.

the starfish in the river really did inspire me
so hey, 10
 — jenakajoffer

L10- I kind of like it, the parallel- as in walking through your own misted breath on a cold day sort of like going through a cloud, as the clouds blow through, or the wind does to make us all wet and stuff.  You know? Anyway...blowing...yeah, I know. Shoot me now.
 — DeformedLion

yeah, i really see what you mean because what i was going to say is that it's such a cold, sterile line.  meaning harsh,
i suppose that really is what you were intending.

oh and blowing! haha(shame on you).
i should just favourite this,
it's a good conversational piece.
 — jenakajoffer

Your footnote is more lovely than the pome itself. Are you published, by any chance?
 — wendz

Yes, I agree.

Nope, not published...
 — DeformedLion

Shame, because you should be.
 — unknown

^ me, sorry.
 — wendz

I don't really see the point in it...sure, it sounds good, but this place is enough for me-- for now.
 — DeformedLion

so, you have anonomized this puppy eh?
shame on you.  and shame on me.  i really did give you a 10. and since i'm all about change, i'm now giving this a 7.
 — jenakajoffer

give him a book of poetry instead. something by ezra pound so he can have a clue and not write like he was afraid to seem arty.
 — geckodrome